Lately I have been slowly reshaping my mindset to be completely positive and pure masculinity. Pure Alpha Male mindset and at first it might seem crazy to think that one can simply "work on being more themselves and thus be more manly," BUT, it has actually worked amazingly well!
No, I have not tossed away my pink glasses. No, I have not tossed away the occasional Rom-Com, musical or Sex and The City DVD that I own. No, I have not tossed away my purple scarf and replaced it for some more "typical colour." No, I have not done any of these things. My pink glasses are still there. My scarf for the winter is still purple and my DVD collection has not changed. My attitude has and my way I see myself has. I trust myself to do the right thing. I trust myself to even "take control" (wink wink) in some situations and it lead only to mutual bliss.
I did not do this by pretending to be someone I am not. Far from it; I still have Pink T-Shirts. I still have my "Grey" and "Gideon Cross" novels. I still have a Rainbow Mug in my cupboard and I am still checking out POF accounts for both sexes. What has changed is how I deal with people and how I deal with myself. I am worthy, I am enough and I can trust myself. I can lead, I can be assertive and not be a douche. Being in "control" in certain situations is not being a "jerk" to other people. I can take charge without being a dominating assface.
I have stopped even caring about being a "nice guy." I care about being a "good guy," or even an "amazing guy," but, "nice," meh whatever. My point of origin on EVERYTHING is what is best for the man in the mirror when I get out of bed. Altruism is poison, self-empowerment and nurturing the self is not just an airy fairy philosophical sometimes, but, an all the time thing. I come first, I and not anyone else. I am whom needs to be happy in my situation and hopefully I can find someone to be happy with. However, if I am not happy no one can join me in that happiness.
I have been learning to clam down and relax more. I talk slower and have stopped "breathing and talking through my nose." I project my voice from my mask area direct from my vocal cords with self-pride and own my voice. This has made my voice sound clearer and crisper, and also more authoritative when it need be. I have relearned and undone years of damage, of self-hate towards the very sex I was born as. I sit with better posture; big gorilla and not scared little monkey. I always stand with better posture when I can. I do not worry about not always being perfect for there is no one that is perfect.
During none of this have I changed who I am as a person. I am still not the ideal man a lot of people probably dream about in their fantasies. I am not that knight in shining armor a lot of women want, but, I am also not a pushover cucked bitch either. :) Am I some gym bunny Jock? Nope, still far from it. Am I some book cover of a romance novel? Nope, far from it. But, am I unmanly? Hell no! Am I "effeminate?" Hell no! Not in any sense that I have seen from being in the "GBLT" community for so many years. Am I some mucho, macho fellow now? Hell no! I am also not the extreme opposite "poof" either.
I am me and I am free. I am free to act on my ideas for I am a good man. I am free to be assertive, to be overflowing with confidence and charm without having to stop being who I am. I am free to be in control when it is given without worrying I am going to harm anyone; for I am a good man. I am free to take the lead, to make the first call, to make the first text and to set up the place, and time of the date. Without the other person thinking I am a dominating asshat. I am free to go in for the kiss first without being seen as a creepy douche. I can take her hand first, I can take initiative with a woman and not be considered some fucked up control freak.
It is OK to make mistakes it makes for a good laugh and laughing is great for the heart. I needed to learn to really love myself; enough to believe nothing I did would be taken as being "one of those guys." I think one of my worst fears as odd as it sounds was coming off as a "douche idiot." Even if I was doing nothing wrong if I had the same confidence a "douche" can have. If I took her hand first I was afraid I would come off as a dominating freak. If I kissed first when I thought of it would make it seem like I was too all in too fast. Even if the moment might have been so right. What if it was not perfect enough!
What if I made small talk that was boring? What if I my life was too "normal" for someone? What if I acted towards her like I did with my men? Taking the lead to lead her from steamy make-out to full on sex with me without "asking May I?" (consensual of course) I never harmed them, in fact they quite enjoyed every second of it, but, then I would look like "one of those guys." I could never do that after a date with a woman. Why not? I recall once being so paranoid that even mentioning sleeping cuddled next to a woman whom stayed over after the first date was enjoyable I could hardly spit out the words.
My issue turned out to be not that I was not masculine or capable of being manly. My issue was I was so afraid of the fact I HAD a masculine and Manly Alpha inside me. That came out in things like my Texts to POF girls and my thoughts about what I wanted to "do with and to" women that it frightened me. It frightened me because in my head I was confidently saying things and doing things to and with. Yet, my brain kept being afraid. What if I go for the hand, what if I touch dirty and thrust hard in our dance.. what if she feels I am aroused and want her sexually.. I will look like a pig... especially if I try to act on it. What will she do if I touch her there, I do no want to become a POF horror story because I misread a sign?
What if I try for something and she pushes me away, and I need to realize I fucked up big time? That I look like a predator, a crazy, a douche a scumbag. What if she tells other people and I became a freak to her? What if I, what if I?? That was the mantra in my head around women. What if? What if? What if I say that or do this? What if I stumble? What if I am not that white knight she wants? What if I am not her ideal man? What if? It went through my head like no ones business. For I was afraid anytime acting on what I wanted to do would be turned into a reason to reject me. I did not want rejected. I could not be rejected again.
I was so worried about what could be and not the reality in front of me. I was overthinking everything and every word, act I thought over a million times before coming to the conclusion I should spit it out. Thought a gazillion times if I should touch her arm, touch her cheek. kiss her cheek, hold her hand and if I did what if she turned me into that creepy guy that all women rant about from POF when all I wanted to do was give her a wonderful night of magic, but, was not perfect at it. Thought about it so much I usually never did it. Making it seem like I was not even interested probably.
My transformation is built on one core ideal that I am not dating for others. I am not walking and talking for others or their approval; men or women. I am not having sex if it happens for the approval of the other person. I am doing it to peruse my own self-interest and happiness in life. That as long as I do that in a win-win way in which we both benefit the last thing I need to worry about is "making the woman like me by not messing up and being the perfect man." Or by "being super nice and having her love me too death." Or whatnot, I do not need to be nice to "make a woman like me." If they like me they like me and if they do not their fucking loss not mine.
If I am being authentically me and being so confidently, and, she still thinks I am shit because she is a crazy messed up bitch that is on her, not me! If I am being assertive when it is appropriate and she still does not like me then fuck her and not in a good way. If am down and show my vulnerable side and she spits on it and calls it being a wuss or something, fuck her. If I am being me, looking at the world as my oyster and loving my life, loving me. If she still does not like that, fuck her. Or he if he does not like me being me fuck him too!
It is also not all about dating it is how to approach life in general. Taking it by the horns and riding it like a bull. I am the King in my own Realm and I can bask in the abundance that is out there waiting for me. Including an abundance in masculine/Alpha Glory by women and men that see how much value I bring to their lives and the world. That see I am a high value man and that to not want anything to do with me is their loss and my gain to not need to deal with their negative/crappy attitudes about me. I can take this Kingdom called life and rule it with self-love and masculine pride in myself as the man I have always been, will always be and am becoming even more each day.
I am Christopher Matthew Fucking Murphy ladies and gentlemen. Hear me roar and howl! I am enough, I am worthy, I rock, I am awesome, I am a great man and I am perfect just as I am! I am an Alpha Beast fuck the haters! I am a man of value! Of all kinds! I am an Alpha Wolf and a Lion filled with Pride for myself and my achievements! In the words of the theme song to "Queer as Folk" .."what have you done today to make you feel proud?" I know what I have done achieve loving me as I am! Being me! That is why I am proud! Cause Christopher Matthew Fucking Murphy Rules his roost! He is a King and you will not stop him from enjoying life anymore FUCK YOU! ALL OF YOU! Including the negative thoughts I am still battling! You too can get lost! ROAR AND HOWL!
