Another busy week for me

Once again my week has been busy with meetings and therapy sessions. Things are personally going quite well these days. I do get my own psychiatrist on April 1st and my new medications seem to be working well still. I have not come out as an Objectivist yet to anyone from the men's group. I have left little hints a bread trail if you will. I mentioned individualism vs collectivism a couple times. 

I will continue to drop hints whenever subjects surrounding philosophy come up in the meetings. I might just let the facilitators know before one of these meetings. It is nothing I am ashamed of being known as. I also will spend tomorrow resting up as I have no meetings tomorrow. I am watching American Ninja at this time something I have not seen in a long time. It is just as good as ever 

Signing off for the night,

Chris M. 

Man about the House Series 2

Sexual Disorientation is a very real phenomenon and it should not be dismissed as a Myth.

I am a survivor of male rape multiple times by the same man and I am also a survivor of years of sexual disorientation. I wanted to once again although in a much more condensed form tell my story as an example of the very real phenomenon known as sexual disorientation from rape. Most people have probably never heard of the term, but, it is known in the literature related to male survivors of male rape. It is when a man whom was a victim of another man starts living as a homosexual or bisexual from assumptions around their victimization.

This is not the same as saying rape or molestation is the cause of homosexuality or bisexuality in the LGBT community. It is saying it is not uncommon for boys and men to make connections in their brain over their reactions during their rape. If the boy or man happens to get erect or even orgasm during his rape his brain codes it as being something he must have somehow enjoyed. Thus he must actually be gay or bisexual and this "incident" or "incidents" is actually showing him who he is. He will from here either think he might be gay or bi, but, hide this idea. Or he will come out as gay or bisexual to others around him.

However, what he is experiencing is not a realization of his sexual orientation, but, instead he is experiencing sexual disorientation due to his rape. Usually at an age in which development is happening in the boy or young man. Although any rape where the man becomes erect or orgasms during their assault the disorientation could get a hold of the survivor. This is what happened to me I was just turning 19 when I was raped, not once, but, for an entire week night after night alone and cold as they say in British Columbia. I had no friends, no family, I was alone and he was all I knew at the time in the Province. I essentially was this other 18 year old's Prisoner. 

However, I had orgasm and maintained erect when he gave me Oral whether I wanted the incidents to begin or continue or not. When I told him that I did not want to have him have Anal sex with me and I did not want to swallow his seed he made me do it. He forced his manhood into my mouth by putting it in despite the fact that I did not want to. He kept thrusting into me despite my telling him I did not want to. This kept up for an entire week. However, that week also contained constant erections when he put his mouth on me, and orgasms as well. In the confusion of my experiences and possibly for my own maintaining of sanity my brain wired the orgasms into my brain as the sign I was bisexual or gay either one.

So, one week of horrific, but, confusing incidents made me convinced I was bisexual and I came out as such as soon as I made my escape from him and returned to PEI where I was safe and sound. Since I convinced myself I was bisexual I acted and behaved as if I was. I would search for LGBT events and I would start going to them first as bisexual, then gay, then bisexual again back and forth over the years. However, as I got older my attraction quote un quote to men slowly faded away as I found myself getting up there in years. It was natural and it just happened over time. During this time I slowly began to come to terms with what happened when I was in BC. That I was neither bi nor gay I was and am straight. The victimizer raped me before I even had a single date, kiss, let alone sex with a woman. So,  I had taken my reaction to my rape as a sign I was gay or bi.

This is a very real phenomenon and it is not just a myth. Yes, it is a myth that a young boy or a man being raped can make you gay. That any and every boy that is sexually harmed will end up living as something other than heterosexual. However, it is not a myth that being sexually abused or raped as a boy or man can make you act out or behave in a gay or bisexual manor. Sexual disorientation will make a person act and behave just as if homosexuality or bisexuality is their nature. Yet, the reasons for this behavior is different entirely in their reasoning than someone whom just happens to grow up to be homosexual or bisexual.

Dr. Joe Kort is a Ph.D. whom has worked with male survivors of rape and other sexual misconducts for sometime, years in fact. He knows all too well that this is not a Myth and writes the following in an article on Sexual disorientation at Psychology Today.

In my psychotherapy practice, I’ve been addressing the many-faceted issue of straight men who have gay sex—how easy it may be to conclude that such men are gay or bisexual and simply in denial of their true sexual orientation, but that this may not be the case. What we find, instead, is that memories about the abuse from another male can become eroticized for a man, which then compels him to seek out same-sex encounters or porn. This does not mean that he is gay or bisexual, though he may have enduring fantasies about gay sex.

Childhood or other sexual abuse of boys or men, perpetrated by another male, may lead a man to again and again seek out sexual encounters with men in an unconscious effort to resolve the guilt and shame he feels around the original encounter.

A boy/or man who has become traumatized from such an event usually becomes quite adept in at compartmentalization—so much so that he may even “forget”.... I encounter more of these situations in my office than you might imagine. I have found that the first step is to see the man who has been abused in individual therapy, working through his grief and his anger at the loss of innocent sexual development, helping him understand how his own sexuality was eclipsed by the sexuality of the perpetrator, leaving him sexually disoriented. He knows that he is straight, but continues to try to unconsciously resolve the tension between his fantasies and his sexual identity by seeking out these gay sexual encounters.

         A man returning from encounters that don’t match his core sexual identity may struggle for hours or days (or years) over such questions as “Am I gay or bi?” when, in fact, he is neither. Nor is he a “sex addict.” Rather, he is compelled to return to the scene of the sexual crime, becoming the little boy/victim trying to figure out why it happened:

• Was it something about me that made him pick me?

• Did I want it?

• Was there something I did or said to get him to do this to me?

• Did this make me gay or bisexual, and am I suppressing it?

Sexual abuse might impact his erotic interests, but this is not the same as orientation.
Bringing the compulsion out of the shadows can help put the man in conscious control instead of under the unconscious control of the compulsion. This is not to say that the fantasies will then go away. They are early imprints that have become eroticized, and will likely be with him for life. The goal is to take mastery of the behavior so that you’re not acting out anymore against your own will.
The next step in therapy is to get the client into a men’s sexual abuse group. I often find that men who have experienced childhood sexual abuse have been silent about it throughout their life. Being able to openly talk about with other men helps reduce the shame, which is huge. Victims of childhood sexual abuse will typically carry the shame of the perpetrator, as well as their own. Getting out from behind the veil of secrecy is necessary if one is to successfully shed this shame.

A person whom is acting out of disorientation can and often does change over time. Some of them have their same sex thoughts gone or some remain with the eroticized thoughts. The goal of the therapy for such a person does not require that they drop said thoughts. Only that they understand why they have them and deal with them in a way that is not harmful to themselves or others. The change can come far before the person even goes for help. Or it can happen while the individual is in therapy for their issues. However, it is the dealing with the Trauma and knowing the truth about your own identity/your own past that is president and not the change as such.

In my case the reorientation to what was before being disoriented happened before I ever sought help with my issues as such. In this way the two things were not related the change and the therapy. This is far different from Reparative Therapy designed with the intention of changing orientation. If the change happens in therapy it is not due to the therapist having any intention of changing the clients orientation. In fact, it is a recovery of the true self and a working on removing the eroticized imprints of the rape/abuse which is the total opposite of the idea of Ex-Gay Therapies.   

And finally, in most instances some parts of the eroticization of the abuse remain. In other words, something that was introduced to him during the abuse has now become part of his sexual fantasies and preferences. Many therapists believe that if the male survivor continues to eroticize anything that came from the abuse they are unhealed.

This is wrong.

From a sexual-health perspective, even after healing from trauma one goes from trauma reenactment to trauma play. The origin of the fantasy might come from abuse, but now it is about play and mastery. I help clients learn to enjoy these fantasies, and eliminate the shame around them. This doesn’t mean they must act them out behaviorally, but they might want to, and that Is fine. However, most choose to keep them as fantasies.

In conclusion sexual disorientation is very real. Sexual abuse and rape of men can and often does effect their view of their sexual identity, even if their orientation itself was what came before the assault. This does not mean that every single man or boy that is abused will act out in a bisexual or homosexual way after abuse from a male. It just means it is one of many outcomes to horrific events that should never have happened in the first place. Especially if it happened at a time of personal sexual development. 

      
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https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-the-erotic-code/201708/sexual-disorientation-male-sexual-abuse-survivors

http://www.malesurvivor.org/index.php

https://communitysoulwork.org/2017/11/17/sexual-disorientation-and-sexual-abuse/

https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/sexual-disorientation-of-male-sexual-abuse-survivors-lbkr/

The Reaping and Raping of Mind & Body ----- Carving out an Identity for myself that fits me

The year is 2018, and, the morning is early early Thursday, March 22nd. Here I sit a 31 year old, gender being male and sexual orientation being straight. How many people that have been following my story caught onto the fact that I am not in fact homosexual/gay after all? Well, if anyone did not catch any hints to the possibility that I was heterosexual.. surprise!! 

Before you start being triggered that this blog belongs to some Christian Fundamentalist supporting reparative therapy or someone whom identifies as an ex-gay cool down. I do not support reparative therapy or preying the gay away. Nor am I an an ex-gay I am Straight. I would never use the label of ex-gay because of the connotations. Besides it is not accurate to what I am now and that is what ones identity consists of. 

Yet, I can hear you still say that it makes no sense after all I did do consensual sexual things with men in the past. That sounds not very straight probably to you, but, this is not accurate to all straight people. It also fails to make the distinction between same-sex activity and actually being homosexual or even bisexual. I know I did not go into details, but, I never did grow not disgusted with the things Ivan Pjanic did to me. I always do to with other men.. I bat, I pitch, I throw, I thrust.. I never caught the entire time I was identifying as gay as well as bisexual. 

Some might say why do I not just keep the Bi label as it is more accurate given my history? I am not keeping it because bisexual does not define properly the type of man I am. Bisexual indicates I have an attraction to both sexes/genders which is not an accurate description of my sexual orientation. To say bisexual still makes it seem like I have not lost any appeal to top other men. When in matter of fact over time just that has happened. I have no desire in the least even if the man is basically in the sexual role of receiving of a woman. 

My genitalia literally is a limp noodle for men; I see good men as Bros and not receiving holes. Even the idea of topping does nothing to arouse me. As I have grown older my desires have turned out to be simply straight. Bisexual would not be a proper label and would be misleading for both myself and others. In addition, I need to carve out my own identity that fits me best. I cannot be using terminology that others push or try to pressure me to use. I need to do what is best for me and what is most consistent with me for a healthy mental state around sexuality/romance.  

I have over the passed little while had thoughts about what I would do if I were with a woman and people that knew me when I was identifying as gay saw me with them. What would they say? I realize now that such thoughts need to cease. Sorry, I am not gay and they will just need to accept that. My "gayness" or Biness was a way of dealing with being abused/raped and confused. I am not trying to say gayness or biness for others occurs for the same reason. Although I am sure I am not alone in having had some side trips in gay and bi-ville on the way to hetero-town. Also, even if gaynees or biness were an adaptation to abuse for all people it would not affect how the LGBT community should be treated. 

This is not an anti-gay story it is simply a story that does not fit the general narrative of orientation. I have written before about all the information we have on orientation. As well as changes over time; not from ex-gay therapy or preying it away. However, that it does often change over time for people in general. At least according to various long term multi year studies of the same people. I admit I have a self-interested reason for linking to this information as collected in meta-analyze by people like Lisa Diamond with the American Psychological Association. I linked it in previous posts as a way of defending that I exist. That heterosexuals exist that have had bisexual/homosexual activity and even identities in their past. 

In the end I am Christopher Matthew Murphy and that is whom I am. People need to accept me and respect my identity as a person if they want to be in my life. I will not let anymore people that want to abuse me or just use me in my life. That includes people that refuse to accept my sexuality. I am 31 years old, my gender is male and my orientation is Straight... accept it or get out. This has been my story and I hope you got something out of hearing it. However, in the end this post was all about me. It was about mentally taking my power back from all of those whom have used or abused me. 

The Reaping and Raping of Mind & Body ----- The Eyes Of A Stranger

The year was 2008, the band was Flat Brew and the song was "Eyes of a Stranger." In the year 2008 the song, "Eyes Of a Stranger" was written. It was written by Michael Segoiun and myself while drinking beers hanging at his place. This was our Folk Band and I had just been through a crazy time. A time that not many people know about, but, I was a part of it. Most people do not know I had just recently been victimized twice more. One I remember and the other one is a might have been, but, do not know.

Earlier that year I had been in a committed relationship with a woman named Cara M. I will not use their last name to keep their privacy. Our relationship was great; sexually and emotionally we loved each other very much at the time. However, it came to a dead halt one night after mentioning that I was at the time still identifying as Bi even though I was with her. I also mentioned that I thought her ex was cute. This was an extremely drunk conversation after a party we had gone to together. She broke up with me the next morning.

Very soon after like a few days I was online and a person whom I met somehow and somewhere showed up on my MSN talking about killing themselves. I talked them out of it and we began talking with one another. Eventually after talking for a a couple days we decided to meet and we kept meeting. Eventually we started get to know each other a bit better or so I thought. One day he came over to the apartment and he proposed we become fuck buddies essentially. However, what I did not know was this man was a user, and, he was also known for some very shady shit.

I said I would like to be in such an arrangement with him at time as I figured it would help me get over my ex. One of the first things he did though was start trying to convince me I was not bi, but, gay. This was sort of like his main thrust that he liked to bombard men with. He also it turned out did not use condoms. I have long sense gotten tested and I am fine, but, it was a dangerous game of unprotected same sex contact and mental fuckery. I would not do such a thing these days I know better. However, at the time I looked passed that.

The first thing he did was tell my ex girlfriend off and call her a bitch. Something which should have sent my antenna off right away, but, I was naive and young. This was the K Incident, but, I will not give out a name as to not give out his details at this time. The point is that he started a regimen of totally screwing with me and this included bathing with me claiming he was falling for me drawing little hearts. It included not hardly sleeping at all intentionally keeping me up too long to his advantage. While in this "relationship" it also started the process of emulation in someways as well.

By that I mean I was introduced to somethings that were new for me. Some of which was intended to make me gayer as said individual was big on showing me I was actually gay. Which included everything from trying to convince me when I was fucking my girlfriend I was thinking about men to influencing my choice of music/movies. One of this things he did was sit me in front of Devil Wears Prada numerous times. I guess the idea was feminize me more or something? He also would blare the same music every time we fucked. Essentially, he wanted to fuck, but, he did not want me unless I became a flamer or at least he attempted to make me as such.

I was not at this time in my life what one would call effeminate in the sense of being completely womanly. I had more of the Nerd/Geek thing going on and not the flashing gay thing. However, in between all my time with him which included keeping me from my Mom. A tactic I should have recognized from the keeping me away from others Ivan did. As well as all the talk about I fucked too much like a homosexual to go both ways. As well as numerous other methods of manipulation combined with simply sewing a seed of doubt in me. With all of this I came out of our buddies with sex arrangement when I realized I was being played. However, one of this tactics did work I was convinced I was gay and once again I came out of a relationship basically brainwashed about my sexual identity.

It did not help at all that because of emulating him in certain ways people all seemed to doubt I was Bi and helped convince me along with him I was just gay. At this time I decided to come out as gay to people, but, before that I was possibly drugged and raped one more time. I do not know if I was, but, I was at this older fellas house and he gave me this tea. All of a sudden I got very sleepy and I passed out on his bed. The next thing I know I am waking up on his bed hours later with not a single memory of what happened. However, I had this weird feeling of being violated somehow. Was I actually violated? I have no proof, but, I think it is possible.

At this same time I started having questions come into mind about my faith. I had always been an atheist for most of the time that I can remember. I am an atheist as I type this here as well. However, at this time I had some lapses into all kinds of New Thought and New Age Woo Woo and I sort of mixed it together with my own brand of Christianity. You could call it Chris brand Christianity if you will. I also got involved in Pride locally around this time and some of you may have met me for the first time around this point in my story. With no knowledge that I was a several time abuse victim, multiple rape survivor and that I would end up very much not gay at all.

I do not regret one second of helping with the Pride events at the time. Despite my realization as I started to drift away from the sort of hive mind consensus on certain issues that there was at the time at least a very cancerous side to some of the Pride crowd. I did what I did with the best of intentions of promoting individual rights for all people. It was also at this time that I started to second guess how left wing I actually was. Although I did not use a left right spectrum to describe my shift. I used the Nolan Chart of libertarian vs authoritarian, I first started hearing things like Free Talk Live and I absolutely loved things like "The Market for Liberty." I also bought the boxed set of Season One of Bullshit within this time frame.

I was noticing that my politics outside of supporting marriage equality and especially on matters of economics differed from most people associated with the Pride community. For this reason I tended to just keep my views to myself. However, I did give little details out here and there when appropriate. Yet, the eyes of a stranger looked back at me daily. Those eyes of a stranger no longer knowing the owner of them. So much had changed and so suddenly. Was it the real me? Or just some character based on a role I embodied from what others expected of me? Who's eyes are these I just don't know.

So, after much ado I come to writing this song again. It was quite a time for me a time before so much in my life. I wrote a song about eyes of a stranger looking back at me that I did not recognize. Who was that looking back at me I wrote. That confusion was even more pronounced as time went on and I started to wonder which parts were really Chris and which parts were performing a role people expected. Something that would last quite a while still in the story of my life.

The Reaping and Raping of Mind & Body --- Land of killed dreams and crushed souls ---

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The Reaping and Raping of Mind & Body --- My Story Begins

Back when I was in high school I had social anxiety due to my sheltered upbringing without getting out near enough. It made for a bad combination already being anxious made me odd to other people and that made the bullying get worse. I never really had many friends when I was younger I was basically a loner and did not really have a place that I belonged. It was not that I was that odd persay in the sense that I would be considered having issues, but, I was just not good with other people. 

In Grade 10 I met a a guy named Ivan Pjanic in my Grade 10 English Class he sat in the seat next to me. He was a new face to me and we quickly began to somewhat hit it off somehow. It was odd for me as I usually did not hit it off with anyone at least that I was aware of. However, for some reason we did and we became friends. We really only hung out once that year that I can remember, but, we were friends. 

We continued our friendship throughout Grade 11 as well. In the meantime I was being loved by teachers and misunderstood by my fellow students. I was very mature for my age and the antics of the other students often seemed juvenile and stupid to me. I lived a half decent life albeit still the life of someone that was often the brunt of bullying and not so niceties. I am sure all the bullying did not help my confidence levels and I am sure it had an impact on my testosterone production during my teen years as well. 

During this time I became obsessed with Agatha Christie novels and classic movies in general. I also began writing my own stories and scripts. In addition, I continued to be an action junkie watching different movies on the weekends with my Dad. I had always enjoyed action flicks and it was something we both could enjoy together. We also both loved video games especially the RPG Genre which dear old Dad himself introduced me to with "Legend Of Zelda A Link to The Past." I saw my dad almost every weekend, we would watch movies together and chow down on chips and dip.

I was not aware at the time that my Father would soon grow much more distant and we would not see each other as much. I was not aware that in fact all male on male time would be consumed and reaped up by one boy Ivan Pjanic. To the point where he would be in constant contact with me even while I was with Dad. My body was with Dad, but, my mind was with Ivan. However, that was an entire year more away from me. For now everything was peachy keen and gumdrops for me and Dad. 

I would write my novels and scripts, but, mainly scripts. They were a mix between movies and plays. Although I wrote movies the most and I even used script writing software to do it. My genre of choice the heroic man that fights and wins against all his foes. He saves the day and he got the girl and I mean got all in there in the end. If you know what I mean in quite detailed descriptions. Sometimes he was a nice guy that also happened to know every single fighting style known to man. Other times he was rough around the edges, but, also soft inside tough guy. However, one thing that was certain he protected and he procreated. 

However, things seemed to change in Grade 12 when Mom moved in and married my now Step-Dad. I started becoming slightly distant from Dad because he did not come around all that often. Instead I would go to his place on the weekends. Or well to his Girlfriends place where he lived. We would still rent movies and I would still eat them chips/dips. However, there were often times when I could not see him as much. I filled that time with an ever increasingly extreme long distance relationship with the newly moved to BC Ivan Pjanic. To me Ivan Pjanic could do no wrong and he was quick to point out what was wrong with other people especially my Dad. 

I want to make a quick jumping off here to point out how awesome my Dad actually is. He has loved me like a rock my entire life and he would want to kill Ivan if he found out that he raped me when I was in BC. Yes, this is a story about literal rape by my at the time best friend. It feels hard to even say that word out loud, but, yes I have been raped. As well as near molested and several other things. It is not something I admit lightly as it is a matter I never tell anyone about. Yes, I am a victim or victor over a rape, abuse, and almost near brainwashing at the hands of two different men. One being Ivan and the other being later in life. 

As Grade 12 went on I became increasingly obsessed with Ivan Pjanic and it was partly due to not having any other friends around. One night late at night while Mom was asleep and the sound was muted Ivan asked me if I would do something different with him. He asked me if I would watch Porn and jack off for him on Cam over MSN messenger. He said he wanted to watch me get off while he got off. Being as I was at the time under the impression outside of Mom he was the only person in the world (except for Dad) that cared if I was alive or dead I did it for him. I took out my 18 year old manhood and tugged off for him. While watching videos of POV women having sex with me.

I had no desire to look at his dick while I tugged off which began to happen regularly. I would put on Straight porn and tug one off to the women having sex with me while he watched me getting off. It happened when no one was home or while everyone was asleep. One day he said something over MSN that was something I never thought of before which was essentially, "who needs to go find a girl you got me." He detailed how he wanted to experiment with me and how when he got off at night he looked at my manhood and not at videos of women. I could not say the same I always had straight porn on when I got off for him. It was not for him it was for the women in the videos that got me to that point.

A few nights later he sent me a link it was to Gay porn and he essentially said to jack to it. Seeing as it was my Best Bro I popped it on, but, keep in mind I had NO IDEA what GAY WAS. No, literally I never heard the word Gay or Lesbian once growing up in my home. Anything sexual was completely off limits we did not go there. I knew something about this Gay Marriage thing being debated, but, I did not know what they meant by Gay. Hell, I used too watch Queer Eye with Mom and not once did I know what Queer meant. So, I put on the Gay porn and did as he requested I tugged one out for him. Much to my surprise it was two dudes fucking and Ivan said he wanted to be the guy in the video. He wanted us to bring his fantasies of us doing sexual stuff to life. 

So, over time he would keep mentioning this to me in our conversations. To the point it became regular for him to talk about us fucking every time we spoke. Eventually I started figuring, hey, I ain't got no women why not just use his manhole instead. So, having been literally told that no one else cares about me, and at this point having my Dad painted as a monster for being busy in life despite loving me too death. Having been weaned off of even trying to make new friends. Been told that no woman would ever understand me like my Bro understands me. Being told that my safe place was with him, alone in BC I decided to move away from home. 

That is where the light and airy experimentation ideas in the head of a isolated loner ends. That is where the dark nightmare called my time in BC begins and where my story becomes worthy of a fucking Oscar. In my next post I will go over the incidents and my abuse at the hands of the man whom told me he was my safe place. Only to find I was safer at home and that is where I should have stayed.