The Reaping and Raping of Mind & Body ----- The Eyes Of A Stranger

The year was 2008, the band was Flat Brew and the song was "Eyes of a Stranger." In the year 2008 the song, "Eyes Of a Stranger" was written. It was written by Michael Segoiun and myself while drinking beers hanging at his place. This was our Folk Band and I had just been through a crazy time. A time that not many people know about, but, I was a part of it. Most people do not know I had just recently been victimized twice more. One I remember and the other one is a might have been, but, do not know.

Earlier that year I had been in a committed relationship with a woman named Cara M. I will not use their last name to keep their privacy. Our relationship was great; sexually and emotionally we loved each other very much at the time. However, it came to a dead halt one night after mentioning that I was at the time still identifying as Bi even though I was with her. I also mentioned that I thought her ex was cute. This was an extremely drunk conversation after a party we had gone to together. She broke up with me the next morning.

Very soon after like a few days I was online and a person whom I met somehow and somewhere showed up on my MSN talking about killing themselves. I talked them out of it and we began talking with one another. Eventually after talking for a a couple days we decided to meet and we kept meeting. Eventually we started get to know each other a bit better or so I thought. One day he came over to the apartment and he proposed we become fuck buddies essentially. However, what I did not know was this man was a user, and, he was also known for some very shady shit.

I said I would like to be in such an arrangement with him at time as I figured it would help me get over my ex. One of the first things he did though was start trying to convince me I was not bi, but, gay. This was sort of like his main thrust that he liked to bombard men with. He also it turned out did not use condoms. I have long sense gotten tested and I am fine, but, it was a dangerous game of unprotected same sex contact and mental fuckery. I would not do such a thing these days I know better. However, at the time I looked passed that.

The first thing he did was tell my ex girlfriend off and call her a bitch. Something which should have sent my antenna off right away, but, I was naive and young. This was the K Incident, but, I will not give out a name as to not give out his details at this time. The point is that he started a regimen of totally screwing with me and this included bathing with me claiming he was falling for me drawing little hearts. It included not hardly sleeping at all intentionally keeping me up too long to his advantage. While in this "relationship" it also started the process of emulation in someways as well.

By that I mean I was introduced to somethings that were new for me. Some of which was intended to make me gayer as said individual was big on showing me I was actually gay. Which included everything from trying to convince me when I was fucking my girlfriend I was thinking about men to influencing my choice of music/movies. One of this things he did was sit me in front of Devil Wears Prada numerous times. I guess the idea was feminize me more or something? He also would blare the same music every time we fucked. Essentially, he wanted to fuck, but, he did not want me unless I became a flamer or at least he attempted to make me as such.

I was not at this time in my life what one would call effeminate in the sense of being completely womanly. I had more of the Nerd/Geek thing going on and not the flashing gay thing. However, in between all my time with him which included keeping me from my Mom. A tactic I should have recognized from the keeping me away from others Ivan did. As well as all the talk about I fucked too much like a homosexual to go both ways. As well as numerous other methods of manipulation combined with simply sewing a seed of doubt in me. With all of this I came out of our buddies with sex arrangement when I realized I was being played. However, one of this tactics did work I was convinced I was gay and once again I came out of a relationship basically brainwashed about my sexual identity.

It did not help at all that because of emulating him in certain ways people all seemed to doubt I was Bi and helped convince me along with him I was just gay. At this time I decided to come out as gay to people, but, before that I was possibly drugged and raped one more time. I do not know if I was, but, I was at this older fellas house and he gave me this tea. All of a sudden I got very sleepy and I passed out on his bed. The next thing I know I am waking up on his bed hours later with not a single memory of what happened. However, I had this weird feeling of being violated somehow. Was I actually violated? I have no proof, but, I think it is possible.

At this same time I started having questions come into mind about my faith. I had always been an atheist for most of the time that I can remember. I am an atheist as I type this here as well. However, at this time I had some lapses into all kinds of New Thought and New Age Woo Woo and I sort of mixed it together with my own brand of Christianity. You could call it Chris brand Christianity if you will. I also got involved in Pride locally around this time and some of you may have met me for the first time around this point in my story. With no knowledge that I was a several time abuse victim, multiple rape survivor and that I would end up very much not gay at all.

I do not regret one second of helping with the Pride events at the time. Despite my realization as I started to drift away from the sort of hive mind consensus on certain issues that there was at the time at least a very cancerous side to some of the Pride crowd. I did what I did with the best of intentions of promoting individual rights for all people. It was also at this time that I started to second guess how left wing I actually was. Although I did not use a left right spectrum to describe my shift. I used the Nolan Chart of libertarian vs authoritarian, I first started hearing things like Free Talk Live and I absolutely loved things like "The Market for Liberty." I also bought the boxed set of Season One of Bullshit within this time frame.

I was noticing that my politics outside of supporting marriage equality and especially on matters of economics differed from most people associated with the Pride community. For this reason I tended to just keep my views to myself. However, I did give little details out here and there when appropriate. Yet, the eyes of a stranger looked back at me daily. Those eyes of a stranger no longer knowing the owner of them. So much had changed and so suddenly. Was it the real me? Or just some character based on a role I embodied from what others expected of me? Who's eyes are these I just don't know.

So, after much ado I come to writing this song again. It was quite a time for me a time before so much in my life. I wrote a song about eyes of a stranger looking back at me that I did not recognize. Who was that looking back at me I wrote. That confusion was even more pronounced as time went on and I started to wonder which parts were really Chris and which parts were performing a role people expected. Something that would last quite a while still in the story of my life.