I am a survivor of male rape multiple times by the same man and I am also a survivor of years of sexual disorientation. I wanted to once again although in a much more condensed form tell my story as an example of the very real phenomenon known as sexual disorientation from rape. Most people have probably never heard of the term, but, it is known in the literature related to male survivors of male rape. It is when a man whom was a victim of another man starts living as a homosexual or bisexual from assumptions around their victimization.
This is not the same as saying rape or molestation is the cause of homosexuality or bisexuality in the LGBT community. It is saying it is not uncommon for boys and men to make connections in their brain over their reactions during their rape. If the boy or man happens to get erect or even orgasm during his rape his brain codes it as being something he must have somehow enjoyed. Thus he must actually be gay or bisexual and this "incident" or "incidents" is actually showing him who he is. He will from here either think he might be gay or bi, but, hide this idea. Or he will come out as gay or bisexual to others around him.
However, what he is experiencing is not a realization of his sexual orientation, but, instead he is experiencing sexual disorientation due to his rape. Usually at an age in which development is happening in the boy or young man. Although any rape where the man becomes erect or orgasms during their assault the disorientation could get a hold of the survivor. This is what happened to me I was just turning 19 when I was raped, not once, but, for an entire week night after night alone and cold as they say in British Columbia. I had no friends, no family, I was alone and he was all I knew at the time in the Province. I essentially was this other 18 year old's Prisoner.
However, I had orgasm and maintained erect when he gave me Oral whether I wanted the incidents to begin or continue or not. When I told him that I did not want to have him have Anal sex with me and I did not want to swallow his seed he made me do it. He forced his manhood into my mouth by putting it in despite the fact that I did not want to. He kept thrusting into me despite my telling him I did not want to. This kept up for an entire week. However, that week also contained constant erections when he put his mouth on me, and orgasms as well. In the confusion of my experiences and possibly for my own maintaining of sanity my brain wired the orgasms into my brain as the sign I was bisexual or gay either one.
So, one week of horrific, but, confusing incidents made me convinced I was bisexual and I came out as such as soon as I made my escape from him and returned to PEI where I was safe and sound. Since I convinced myself I was bisexual I acted and behaved as if I was. I would search for LGBT events and I would start going to them first as bisexual, then gay, then bisexual again back and forth over the years. However, as I got older my attraction quote un quote to men slowly faded away as I found myself getting up there in years. It was natural and it just happened over time. During this time I slowly began to come to terms with what happened when I was in BC. That I was neither bi nor gay I was and am straight. The victimizer raped me before I even had a single date, kiss, let alone sex with a woman. So, I had taken my reaction to my rape as a sign I was gay or bi.
This is a very real phenomenon and it is not just a myth. Yes, it is a myth that a young boy or a man being raped can make you gay. That any and every boy that is sexually harmed will end up living as something other than heterosexual. However, it is not a myth that being sexually abused or raped as a boy or man can make you act out or behave in a gay or bisexual manor. Sexual disorientation will make a person act and behave just as if homosexuality or bisexuality is their nature. Yet, the reasons for this behavior is different entirely in their reasoning than someone whom just happens to grow up to be homosexual or bisexual.
Dr. Joe Kort is a Ph.D. whom has worked with male survivors of rape and other sexual misconducts for sometime, years in fact. He knows all too well that this is not a Myth and writes the following in an article on Sexual disorientation at Psychology Today.
In my psychotherapy practice, I’ve been addressing the many-faceted issue of straight men who have gay sex—how easy it may be to conclude that such men are gay or bisexual and simply in denial of their true sexual orientation, but that this may not be the case. What we find, instead, is that memories about the abuse from another male can become eroticized for a man, which then compels him to seek out same-sex encounters or porn. This does not mean that he is gay or bisexual, though he may have enduring fantasies about gay sex.Childhood or other sexual abuse of boys or men, perpetrated by another male, may lead a man to again and again seek out sexual encounters with men in an unconscious effort to resolve the guilt and shame he feels around the original encounter.
A boy/or man who has become traumatized from such an event usually becomes quite adept in at compartmentalization—so much so that he may even “forget”.... I encounter more of these situations in my office than you might imagine. I have found that the first step is to see the man who has been abused in individual therapy, working through his grief and his anger at the loss of innocent sexual development, helping him understand how his own sexuality was eclipsed by the sexuality of the perpetrator, leaving him sexually disoriented. He knows that he is straight, but continues to try to unconsciously resolve the tension between his fantasies and his sexual identity by seeking out these gay sexual encounters.
A man returning from encounters that don’t match his core sexual identity may struggle for hours or days (or years) over such questions as “Am I gay or bi?” when, in fact, he is neither. Nor is he a “sex addict.” Rather, he is compelled to return to the scene of the sexual crime, becoming the little boy/victim trying to figure out why it happened:
- Was it something about me that made him pick me?
- Did I want it?
- Was there something I did or said to get him to do this to me?
Sexual abuse might impact his erotic interests, but this is not the same as orientation.
- Did this make me gay or bisexual, and am I suppressing it?
Bringing the compulsion out of the shadows can help put the man in conscious control instead of under the unconscious control of the compulsion. This is not to say that the fantasies will then go away. They are early imprints that have become eroticized, and will likely be with him for life. The goal is to take mastery of the behavior so that you’re not acting out anymore against your own will.
The next step in therapy is to get the client into a men’s sexual abuse group. I often find that men who have experienced childhood sexual abuse have been silent about it throughout their life. Being able to openly talk about with other men helps reduce the shame, which is huge. Victims of childhood sexual abuse will typically carry the shame of the perpetrator, as well as their own. Getting out from behind the veil of secrecy is necessary if one is to successfully shed this shame.
A person whom is acting out of disorientation can and often does change over time. Some of them have their same sex thoughts gone or some remain with the eroticized thoughts. The goal of the therapy for such a person does not require that they drop said thoughts. Only that they understand why they have them and deal with them in a way that is not harmful to themselves or others. The change can come far before the person even goes for help. Or it can happen while the individual is in therapy for their issues. However, it is the dealing with the Trauma and knowing the truth about your own identity/your own past that is president and not the change as such.
In my case the reorientation to what was before being disoriented happened before I ever sought help with my issues as such. In this way the two things were not related the change and the therapy. This is far different from Reparative Therapy designed with the intention of changing orientation. If the change happens in therapy it is not due to the therapist having any intention of changing the clients orientation. In fact, it is a recovery of the true self and a working on removing the eroticized imprints of the rape/abuse which is the total opposite of the idea of Ex-Gay Therapies.
And finally, in most instances some parts of the eroticization of the abuse remain. In other words, something that was introduced to him during the abuse has now become part of his sexual fantasies and preferences. Many therapists believe that if the male survivor continues to eroticize anything that came from the abuse they are unhealed.This is wrong.From a sexual-health perspective, even after healing from trauma one goes from trauma reenactment to trauma play. The origin of the fantasy might come from abuse, but now it is about play and mastery. I help clients learn to enjoy these fantasies, and eliminate the shame around them. This doesn’t mean they must act them out behaviorally, but they might want to, and that Is fine. However, most choose to keep them as fantasies.
In conclusion sexual disorientation is very real. Sexual abuse and rape of men can and often does effect their view of their sexual identity, even if their orientation itself was what came before the assault. This does not mean that every single man or boy that is abused will act out in a bisexual or homosexual way after abuse from a male. It just means it is one of many outcomes to horrific events that should never have happened in the first place. Especially if it happened at a time of personal sexual development.
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https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-the-erotic-code/201708/sexual-disorientation-male-sexual-abuse-survivors
http://www.malesurvivor.org/index.php
https://communitysoulwork.org/2017/11/17/sexual-disorientation-and-sexual-abuse/
https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/sexual-disorientation-of-male-sexual-abuse-survivors-lbkr/
