The year is 2018, and, the morning is early early Thursday, March 22nd. Here I sit a 31 year old, gender being male and sexual orientation being straight. How many people that have been following my story caught onto the fact that I am not in fact homosexual/gay after all? Well, if anyone did not catch any hints to the possibility that I was heterosexual.. surprise!!
Before you start being triggered that this blog belongs to some Christian Fundamentalist supporting reparative therapy or someone whom identifies as an ex-gay cool down. I do not support reparative therapy or preying the gay away. Nor am I an an ex-gay I am Straight. I would never use the label of ex-gay because of the connotations. Besides it is not accurate to what I am now and that is what ones identity consists of.
Yet, I can hear you still say that it makes no sense after all I did do consensual sexual things with men in the past. That sounds not very straight probably to you, but, this is not accurate to all straight people. It also fails to make the distinction between same-sex activity and actually being homosexual or even bisexual. I know I did not go into details, but, I never did grow not disgusted with the things Ivan Pjanic did to me. I always do to with other men.. I bat, I pitch, I throw, I thrust.. I never caught the entire time I was identifying as gay as well as bisexual.
Some might say why do I not just keep the Bi label as it is more accurate given my history? I am not keeping it because bisexual does not define properly the type of man I am. Bisexual indicates I have an attraction to both sexes/genders which is not an accurate description of my sexual orientation. To say bisexual still makes it seem like I have not lost any appeal to top other men. When in matter of fact over time just that has happened. I have no desire in the least even if the man is basically in the sexual role of receiving of a woman.
My genitalia literally is a limp noodle for men; I see good men as Bros and not receiving holes. Even the idea of topping does nothing to arouse me. As I have grown older my desires have turned out to be simply straight. Bisexual would not be a proper label and would be misleading for both myself and others. In addition, I need to carve out my own identity that fits me best. I cannot be using terminology that others push or try to pressure me to use. I need to do what is best for me and what is most consistent with me for a healthy mental state around sexuality/romance.
I have over the passed little while had thoughts about what I would do if I were with a woman and people that knew me when I was identifying as gay saw me with them. What would they say? I realize now that such thoughts need to cease. Sorry, I am not gay and they will just need to accept that. My "gayness" or Biness was a way of dealing with being abused/raped and confused. I am not trying to say gayness or biness for others occurs for the same reason. Although I am sure I am not alone in having had some side trips in gay and bi-ville on the way to hetero-town. Also, even if gaynees or biness were an adaptation to abuse for all people it would not affect how the LGBT community should be treated.
This is not an anti-gay story it is simply a story that does not fit the general narrative of orientation. I have written before about all the information we have on orientation. As well as changes over time; not from ex-gay therapy or preying it away. However, that it does often change over time for people in general. At least according to various long term multi year studies of the same people. I admit I have a self-interested reason for linking to this information as collected in meta-analyze by people like Lisa Diamond with the American Psychological Association. I linked it in previous posts as a way of defending that I exist. That heterosexuals exist that have had bisexual/homosexual activity and even identities in their past.
In the end I am Christopher Matthew Murphy and that is whom I am. People need to accept me and respect my identity as a person if they want to be in my life. I will not let anymore people that want to abuse me or just use me in my life. That includes people that refuse to accept my sexuality. I am 31 years old, my gender is male and my orientation is Straight... accept it or get out. This has been my story and I hope you got something out of hearing it. However, in the end this post was all about me. It was about mentally taking my power back from all of those whom have used or abused me.
