Can focusing too much on mastery cause perfectionism and stress in my life?

Lately I have been having a lot of new things happening in my career and I have been trying my best to be the best I can be. One of my things in life has always been trying to be the best at things in life. To master my life as it were. This is considered a hypo-agency trait and a very male one. In fact, on this metric I could almost be considered hyper-masculine in how obsessed with mastery and being the best I can be.

Sometimes though being too obsessed with being the best and with mastery can cause stress. When you are not the master of your world and your skills. When you try the best to be the best and never seem to make it to where you want to be. When you try you really try, but, just do not reach that peak and that epoch you are trying to climb. Thinking you should be better. You should be able to be better than you are. That you are not meeting your potential.

You try and try, keep trying and try to do all you can. However, you never quite make it to where you want to be. You work yourself to the bone. The nose to the grindstone. You work and work. You work you try your all. You do all the research and you try to get to your goal. However, the goal keeps slipping away from you. Which makes you feel like you are not meeting the potential you could. Which causes stress over not going good enough for the world.

I know what this is like and I sometimes wonder if I am trying to make the perfect the enemy of the good. If by being so concerned about not being the best I am missing out on being the good or the great at something. This absolutely plays into my stress over work in the passed couple of weeks. I wanted to be the best. To show that I can master my career as one thing I can master in my life that seems to be slipping through my fingers.

I mean I cannot master dating, have not mastered getting to sleep at a decent time nor mastered being able to get a gaggle of friends. I wanted to master so much in my life. By now I wanted to have it in the bag with men or women on a date. Mastered making friends with others. Mastered dominating my own life and being a grown ass man. Yet, I know very much am a grown ass man. I wanted to master my finances. I wanted to never be in debt again and always have money for taxis.

I never wanted to be in a place where I did not feel self-reliant or independent. Where I did not feel in charge of my life and its course. You see I need to master my own life. I need to be in charge of my life. This is my life, mine, and all mine. Thus I need to be living the life that is rationally best for me and lately I am questioning if that is the life I am leading. Before anyone mentions it; NO my orientation has nothing to do with it.

This is about lots of things; things like constantly getting in debt. Things like my job and and am I the master of it that I thought I was. Is it really a job I even want to master anymore? Or is it time to move onto greener pastures? These questions keep going through my head as my passion for my work slowly goes out of me. Little by little like grains of the sands of time. Is this all causing me to be way more stressed than I should be?

I know that working hard is important in life. I know that mastery is important in ones life, but, have I been too focused on getting everything just right? Not a single move, not a single word or action out of step with what is needed to get the result I am looking for. Not meeting my goals feeling like there is just some simple thing I made a stupid mistake with. That if I just did a different way I would get the results I wanted. Yet, life is not always that simple. So much gets in ones way.
 
I am thinking maybe I am concentrating too much on being the best. Maybe I should worry more about being me than the best of the best. Yet, I do not want to be a nothing either, a 0, zilch that is not good at anything. That has not mastered something; that does not have my niche. I do not want to be at the bottom of the heap even if I will never be at the top. I really need to learn that maybe I cannot have it all. Mastering everything in life like I would want because there is just too much random shit that I will be going through.

This recent stuff with my job being a prime example of this. Sometimes I just cannot be the best not without lots of practice. I mean maybe my best will require more work. Or maybe I am not being my best because the drive to be is muted by the lack of passion about it. Either way I need to distress and quit worrying about being the best man for the job. The best date, the best friend, the greatest guy. Being the master of my universe. The ruler of my world. Life happens and sometimes I just need to live with it.

Is masculinity a label after all? What separates a boy from a man?

In this article I would like to tackle the idea of what separates a boy from a man. The previous article was to give definitions of masculinity. I kept finding definitions of masculinity that talked about characteristics of an adult male. I could not find what was defined as characteristics of a man. So, I think we need to look a little deeper down the rabbit role of all of this.

By biological definition of the entity male one stops being a boy and becomes a man once puberty is over with. Once there has been maturing of the person from the boy to man is when that process has finished. So, once you have the biological characteristics of an adult male you are biologically a man. Does this mean that all men are actually manly and masculine by benefit of going through puberty?

Allison T. from Honey Badger Radio makes the statement that this is the case. Or at least a similar case on Honey Badger Radio all the time. That by going through puberty a boy becomes a man and most men are good guys. That you do not get your masculinity given to you by an external source. Instead you get masculinity internally from yourself and that masculinity is one of the greatest things evolution made.

On the other hand Allen Frantzen would disagree, and, points out there is immature faked masculinity and authentic masculinity. A boy will have faked and immature pseudio-masculinty. While an authentic masculinity is the defining characteristic of the man vs the boy. Meanwhile Rollo Tomassi thinks that such immature masculinity is not masculinity at all and that all masculinity is a positive thing.

If one looks at Allen Frantzen's page there is no specific set of follow this or do that list. There is some general attitudes about things, but, no specific attribute or trait as such. An example of this would be;

Masculine men do not misbehave: they struggle to be the best versions of themselves, not anybody they feel like being.

He goes onto explain his views on masculinity and what makes it in his section on the Grab Your Balls Man.

1. You GYB when you put your manhood first. As a masculine man, you will be a better father, husband, partner, co-worker.
2. You GYB when you stand up for your own manhood and the manhood of other men if feminists (male or female) belittle or deride it.
3. You GYB when you put sex in second place. Sex is the no. 1 way in which women and some men manipulate men. The GYB man knows that sex is a function of his body and his personality, not the engine that drives his life. 

He talks about putting your manhood first and not making masculinity about others. Which sort of mirrors in a way Allison T's idea of not getting your masculinity from an external source. However, he thinks one needs to go through much needed rites of passage regularly to gain and keep their masculinity or manhood. He thinks that all masculinity is proven and one needs to earn it. Then needs to struggle as a man in this world to keep it.

His second point about standing up for your own manhood and others manhood is pretty easy to figure out without making a whole paragraphs about it.

The third part of being a GYB man is to put sex second or even third he says. That if you make sex a priority is pretty much makes the person or people you are sexually thirsty for the centre of your world. Or as he calls it your "manworld." Which means you are not living for yourself and thus cannot work on being the best version of yourself you can be. Which makes sense as by living with sex the ultimate goal you lose sight of all the other things life is about. It is true that this route is the route that most users with use to manipulate you. Sex manipulates and does not just sell.

To Allen if you are simply living your life this way and making rites of passage to struggle through regularly you are than being or at least becoming a masculine man. I agree with a great deal of what he has to say about not living for others and also about putting others first. As well as agreeing with him that sex is a manipulation tool people use to bring you down. To get things including behaviors out of you. There is one place that I disagree with him on the definition of masculinity though.

He uses terms like "prove it." I do not think a man needs to prove his manhood, his maleness, his manliness or masculinity to anyone. Even other men or any other individual in what we call society. It is counter-productive and circular logic/a logically fallacy. To say you are in control of your manhood and to not put anyone else first. To not make your "mental point of origin" others. Plus then to go on and say you need to be making everyday some rite of passage struggle to become masculine.

This makes no sense. If you are Grabbing Your Balls than other men cannot define or be in charge of your manhood either. Only you can be in personal charge of your masculinity and manliness. That is the whole point of steps 1 and 3. To not base your manhood on others and then to not put sex first in case it makes you put others first. Yet, he finds it crucial to be performing and proving masculinity all the time? This is a major contradiction that my systematic and rational brain cannot connect together.

If you have become a masculine man as he claims what is left to do to keep being such? Surely, the term become a masculine man defines this as something you are now as a descriptor. If this is not Allen's immature and fake masculinity why is there some show that needs to be put on for others? Surely, you live as he mentions for yourself as a masculine man. The preoccupation with others and proving all the time is counter-productive. Do not "prove" anything just "be masculine." If you have become it just "be it." Do not try to "prove it." Or if you are already just "be it."

I disagree that a mans every day should be a struggle to keep holding onto their masculinity and keep their Mancred. It seems like a very sorry and sad life to live for struggle. No, just try your best at whatever level you can. We are all human, we are all just at the end of the day upright walking naked apes with free will and the ability to be rational. Just be yourself and be authentic. Be your most authentic self and do it with confidence! That is the manly thing to do! That is the masculine attitude to have! Own your manhood, own your manliness and own your masculinity!

Is masculinity just a label? Or is it a proper descriptor of something? Manhood as a descriptor means what Allison T. calls masculinity as well. That being have matured through puberty from boyhood into manhood. This is by definition ones manhood for sure at a biological level. However, this article was about masculinity and manliness.

Manliness seems to mean simply being a man and having adult man characteristics. Which means it is a descriptor of men whom have the attributes of maturing from child to adulthood. There are some immature men, however, and one could say they are not very manly. I would tread very lightly on saying this either though. I do not want do anything to dehumanize even immature men. We are all humans in the end. However, if maturity matters then this would be the most appropriate cut off for the term manly.

Now manliness could also be considered other traits like self-confidence as well. Often these sorts of traits will be tossed around a lot about manliness and masculinity. Rollo Tomasi of The Rational Male made a list of masculine or manly traits which consisted of the below list.

Independence, self-confidence, rugged individualism, physical strength, risk taking, problem solving and innovation.

Interestingly enough the list is not long at all and is not quite what one would have expected from a list talking about masculinity. There is nothing about assertiveness on the list and voice is not mentioned at all. So, what can one learn from this look into masculinity? Well, for one masculinity is not really what some people think it is. Especially not those feminists whom talk about masculinity being a toxic force.

Masculinity seems to be taken so much as an external thing that it is a little harder to pin down if it is a descriptor or a label. When one researches it is so hard to find any real good information and get to the evolutionary psychology of it all. I know there are certain traits associated with psychologically and physiologically masculine brains. Which is then expressed in men with said brains. So, one would be best to use that as the ideal measure of a descriptor form of masculinity.

I do think there is a descriptor form of masculinity, but, I also think there is a label as well. The question becomes how much of the descriptor is in the label used? How much of the label is not descriptive and a descriptor? Again, it is hard to say, but, there is definitely a descriptor component to it. It must as there is biological reasons for masculinity to be the way it is. I would say there is a genetic basis for masculinity, but, it is hard to find the real masculinity in the pile of psuedio-masculinity. Especially the feminist approved definition of it.

Manhood is a real descriptor, but, is masculinity or manly just a judgemental labeling of the other?

A good question related to my last article is; is manhood and manliness/masculinity the same thing? Is manliness and masculinity even the same thing? Whom defines the terms? From where do they come? What do they really mean? Or do they really mean anything at all? Are they just labels that mean nothing at all? Or do they really mean something concrete and solid?

Well, I do have an answer to the general theme of all of the above questions. The answer is yes there is such thing as masculinity. Also, that there is such a thing as manliness. However, it will probably not be what one thinks it is. Nor will it leave as many people out of the male kind as most would probably think either. First one needs a definition of manliness and masculinity.

having qualities generally associated with a man

                                       appropriate in character to a man

     

So, in order to be manly one needs to be acting in ways in accordance with being an adult male. As opposed to not yet being grown up and still having the characteristics of a boy into adult ages. Which means that if you fit into that you would be considered manly. However, is that the same as masculinity? Or is there a difference between manliness and masculinity? Or is masculinity what people think it is?

Of or relating to men or boys; male.   A male person.

1. 1 :  the masculine gender
2. 2 :  a noun, pronoun, adjective, or inflectional form or class of the masculine gender
3. 3 :  a male person

1. 1 :  of the male sex
2. 2 :  characteristic of or relating to men

 

The above is from various dictionary definitions of masculinity and the definition keeps coming back to things related to being a man not a boy. However, I actually had a hard time finding any definitions or descriptors of masculinity. As when you look it up online all you find is Feminist BS about Toxic Masculinity or claims masculinity is a dysfunction or issue. The thing is how do they define a man vs a boy. Or which attributes do you need to have? In the next post this will be investigated more.

Is Manhood a label or a descriptor of a a reality?

Two posts ago I did an article on the differences between proper descriptors and labeling yourself or others. That descriptors are actually the way to accurately describe something as it is in reality. Based on what something is found to be in its nature. Which means based in reason and rational faculties. Not just based on something given to you or taken upon yourself because of your feelz on the matter. Instead it is what it is that is a descriptor.

In that article I ended with a question on whether manhood was a descriptor or a label. Whether there is any such thing as a definition of manhood and was it the same thing as masculinity. In this article I will talk about stage one of this question which is what defines manhood. Is that the same thing as masculinity or no? First thing comes first and that is the definition of manhood. What would be a descriptor of manhood?

the state or period of being a man rather than a child.

"boys in the process of growing to manhood"

synonyms:

maturity, sexual maturity, adulthood "the transition from boyhood to manhood"

The above is taken from Merriam-Webster Dictionary and it states clearly a proper descriptor for a man. As well as manhood in general. Manhood has its roots in being a matured and adult man (grown up) VS a child or boy. One can do much with this definition of manhood and they do not need to be some machismo filled Jock type. Although I want to say that Jocks can be in general just as great of men as non-jocks are.

This is not going to turn into a "one good man" narrative feeding article. I refuse to go that route.with this site. This is not going to be a site that bashes certain types of men for the sake of promoting others. That to me would be the least manly thing I could ever do! No bashing other men and their manhood here this is a space that looks at men positively.

By the above definition of men I would argue that any man that is a decent and grown up/mature individual is clearly all man. So, is clearly on their Journey called Manhood. It is an ongoing journey for all of us men. It might never have an end and it can be very fluid and dynamic. Or it can be rigid and static. It all depends on the man as each man is a little different. Even when men are also very similar; all men are ultimately individuals.

To me manhood is clearly a descriptor and not a label. Manhood is a real thing and all men on different levels go through it or are living it. Now, one could say to me that does not put to rest whether terms like manly or masculine are labels or descriptors. I would agree it does not do anything for either the terms manly or masculine as such at all. However, maybe if we continue to look into what is manly or not. Or what is masculine or not we can get a more better look at those two terms.

The 50 Shades hate within the Manospehre feeds into the Gynocentric/Feminist narrrative of ignoring male victims.

I have noticed a lot of hate on 50 Shades of Grey within the Manosphere. I am constantly overhearing 50 Shades jokes and talking down the story by women within the Manosphere. As well as from men as well that jump in as their own White Knights to defend the assault on Shades by Anti-Feminist women. I think this is highly mistaken and overlooking one of the most interesting aspects of this story. That this is actually a story that spread like wild fire in which you have a male victim.

Men's Rights Activists whom rant and rave against the story are missing out in my opinion. This is a story about a woman actually helping a man. Where a man is not the one that needs to be the strong one and always invulnerable. Nor is Christian's character disposable and treated like a utility. Not only that, but, you have a woman whom actually shows caring for the mistreatment of a boy. As opposed to trying to wipe it under the rug. Ana wants Christian to admit to his treatment and get help.

Nor is Christian ever portrayed as some monster that is victimizing a poor Ana. Despite what rad fems and even some MRA's seem to think. E.L. James clearly wants you to sympathize with a boy turned man that is a victim. Whom the female lead sees as a victim and can see he is a good man inside. While people rant and rave about how horrible Christian is it is funny I very rarely saw Ana consider him some beastly person. Especially in the movie where not a thing wrong even happens.

Additionally Christian is actually a very good look at how men can react to abuse and attempt to self-help their mental health issues. Instead of continually seeking the proper help and what the results of that could be. In addition; it shows what could happen if along with professional help men whom had bad pasts actually got the sort of treatment and respect by others they need to cope. Well, not everything might have been the best thing to do at least it does not paint the victim as a victimizer. Unlike the haters tend to do.

I am going to come out right now and admit I am a fairly big fan of the Fifty Shades story. I do not think this in anyway emasculates me for enjoying the story. The writing is shit in terms of being written properly I would agree. However, the story itself is a beautiful love story which actually redeems instead of vilifying the main male lead. In a world where one constantly sees men attacked left and right that is a welcome break from the everyday.

I think people need to really learn to take a disinterested view on the matter instead of being haters about the series. Especially those whom might find Christian much more relatable than they would like to admit. In how he has been left alone without help and expected to just "man up" from his very real abuse. With the after effects very apparent and in ones face about the outcome of not taking men's mental health seriously. Thankfully in Fifty Shades all ends happily. Not so in real life where the majority of completed suicides are men and boys.

Proper descriptors VS labels

Today I did some thinking about descriptors vs labels and the differences between the two. The definition of a descriptor is a word or expression used to describe or identify something. It means it actually does identify something. That it is concert with reality as it is and not just thrown about on top of someone or given to someone else. Or taken by the person or entity just because without use of reason. 

A descriptor is something based in reality and the facts at hand. It is not pushed onto someone or something. Nor is it taken by said entity just because it feels like it. It is what it is and how to describe said entity in a way we understand it in a given language. So, if one uses a descriptor it means it is like a form of a definition. It is as it is and just is. So, for example I am Chris. This is a descriptor it describes the entity that I am. 

To describe someone or something requires descriptors of some kind in any language. So, I am Chris and I am a man for example. This is a description of what physically and materially is Chris in nature. I am a biological male and thus the descriptor for me is a man. It is not some label that is arbitrarily given to me nor one I took out of thin air because I liked it. It just is what it is and how it is described in the English language. To know how to describe me in another language would require knowing the "man" in that language. 

Other descriptors are that I am tall, average to athletic depending on the season, have blue eyes and black hair. I work in customer service and have for almost a decade. I am a systematic thinker and like to know the whys. These are all descriptions and thus descriptors of actual real characteristics of me thus proper to use to explain things about me. 

I always try my best and anyone that knows me knows this. I try to always be as rational as possible; which makes me a rational person whom follows my reason. It is also true that descriptors can extend to lots of other things too that describe one as a person. Am I single or in a relationship? Am I working nights or days on any given shift? Am I into you or not? These are descriptors of reality as it is.

Which brings me to the name of this blog/site. A Journey called Manhood, is it a descriptor or a label? Is manhood a descriptor or a label in general? Is masculinity a label or a descriptor? Is manhood the same thing as masculinity and masculinity manhood? These are good and intriguing questions. Well, one first needs to define manhood and then define masculinity to know. One of the things on this blog will be the differences between what manhood is and what people whom use labels for people tend to think it means. 

 

Working on introspection and finding my most authentic man

I have been working on my introspection lately and trying to find the most authentic, real man within me. I have been thinking about how much of my past expressions have been the real me or the man I made myself to be based on what I thought I needed to be. I recall not being as overly out there at different times in my life. I also have had times of being really out there.

I also used too be in a folk band at one time. When I listen to my old recordings I do not hear anything at all feminine in my voice as I sing. In fact; I had quite a Country twangy and gravely voice at times. When I sing now that same tune my voice equally sounds as non-womanly as ever. Although the gravel is gone and the twang is highly muted in comparison.

It is not feminine though at all; I can emulate quite well the original singing voice I had in the song. I also can listen to my voice on recordings and not hear a girl. I hear a fellow; in fact if I project from my mask and push the voice away from my nose the nasally tone goes away more or less. My voice is still not deep, but, I am not over the top Queenie sounding either.

I do not sound "feminine" to me when I speak. I am not sure why girls find me so non-masculine really. However, I also find myself perplexed about myself. Finding myself not really all that "feminine" at all most of the time. I have had some interests that might be non-conforming, but, I do not hear "Queer" or "abnormal." I simply hear me and I am a 29yr old man.

I recall when I came out as Gay back in 2008 following Cara leaving me. I went on barrage of reinforcing myself as a new me. With books about coming out to oneself. I also did positive affirmations in the books about stuff. I also went on a personal journey at that time as well. At first when I came out I cared not about if I fit the stereotypes of being gay or not. I still listened to Folk and Country music and over-remixed stuff drove me insane.

I did not care that I was not following the crowd; even though I was in the Pride Parades and went to ARC events. I did not care that I supported Ron Paul for example, but, all the other Gays I knew were supporting Hilary Clinton (UGH). I also did not care if when I sat down or walked down the street or opened my mouth you knew I liked men or not. It was irrelevant whether I set off Gaydar or not.

I continued to play Folk Music with my friend Mike S. and play videos games with him. I continued to watch my Actions movies and my documentaries. I never went near a Barbie Animated Film; although I would watch them all eventually. I did like my Pink ties, but, I thought nothing of it. I still loved my dancing, but, thought nothing of it. I did wear the Rainbow, but, I did not go out into the world thinking "see I like dudes see me or else."

However, as time went by this started to change. As I got told things like enjoying Country Music I should "have my Gay Card be taken away." Or that by not enjoying all the music played at the Dances I should just go elsewhere, but, ARC dances were the only places to meet gays. Or being told things like "are you sure you are even Homo?" To this or that. Or the "I could not even tell you were gay if you did not tell me."

This was clashed with what my co workers was telling me "You are not just gay you are a flaming gay Chris." Which was counter to what other gays were telling me. In the meantime I started to be more engaged in Gay Culture. I got more involved with putting on the local Dances and such. I was starting to slowly change. I was starting to slowly become more and more fitting into the stereotypes of gayness.

It started with getting rid of my Folk and Country Music. I threw it all out in the trash cursing it for brainwashing me into thinking I could be with Cara so many years ago. Cursing hetero-normative culture and society for conditioning me into think I loved her and breaking her heart. It was everything external that caused me to be into anything Androgynous or the least bit small Island man typical. I had convinced myself I never loved her. I had convinced myself society and culture conditioned me into our relationship.

After all a Gay man could never genuinely be attracted to Country Music, or more masculine typical pursuits. I must have been conditioned to like the things I liked. Or so I convinced myself and I started ever more and more to try and remove from my life anything masculine. Masculinity became my enemy it was gross, it was horrid and it was toxic. I damned being conditioned to be masculine for everything evil in my life.

Even if it was just an interest here, or there it was still too much. Anything linked with something men would be into had to go. I wanted to be like my "Girlfriends" instead and I began to mirror things about them. Intentionally siting the way they sat for example. As opposed to the men next to us. I began to worry when my voice was not high enough and began to go obsessed with always hearing the "gay" in my voice.

I recall one of my girlfriends was worried for me when I revealed to them I did not think my voice was "gay enough." That I was not "gay acting" enough. I had just been at her Birthday Party and she answered my question about my voice that it was actually "straightish sounding." I was appalled that I did not sound "gay" and I was passing for hetero in my voice. She said she was worried about me and that "you do not need to be gay acting you need to act like yourself hun!" She continued, "I do not like these words gay or straight 'acting'!!"

At the same time I was growing disgusted with myself that a self-identified Gay man found "straight" adult material to be so enjoyable. Me, ugh, liking that, ugh, vag.. Gross. Must be more of that hetero-normative brainwashing/conditioning I told myself at the time. It was not possible for me to like what was happening in those scenes. Despite my bodies reactions. So, I tried to force myself to always watch gay material, but, it never did it for me like the straight stuff. It disgusted me, but, I went with it.

By this time I had really started embodying the "gay equals feminine" way of thinking. I had the mindset of basically being as flaming always as I could possibly be. However, something was brewing underneath the outer look of the Proud gay male. Conflicts with myself were happening I would never talk of. Inner conflicts of identity and whom I was. Chaos was inside the calm and cool person I looked like to everyone else.

Inside of me was a conflict. Part of me wanted out, part of me wanted to be seen and part of me was wanting to scream, "it was not social conditioning let me out." I would begin to do odd things like kissing a female friend of the fellow I was on a date with. On Halloween she was dressed as a red devil. Somehow we ended up against the fence out back in the smoking area of Yogi's Bar. She would the next day send me a detailed message explaining how horny it made her to know she could turn me on. I said that was nice, but, deep inside I was screaming "turned on? I could hardly walk away."

It was a continuing chaos inside of me. Not only about the attractions, but, also with my interests. I would go back and forth between finding the Dance Club music nice and atrocious. I still kept being interested in non-gay typical politics of freedom, but, I would keep my mouth shut about it. I went back and forth between thinking Rom Coms were entertaining and thinking they were boring trash. I went back and forth between loving musicals, but, also criticizing them for being so unrealistic.

There was like a War in my brain between two sides. Both wanting their own voice heard, and both wanting to be able to be accessed for making choices. The side of me that used to love Country and Folk, and grew up on Action Flicks with my Dad. The other side; Abba loving and watching reruns of Sex and the City late at night on Cosmo TV on my nights off of work. They were fighting for my identity. The side that I was I did not know, but, I pushed it away. Pushed it all away deep down into my psyche. After all I needed to pick my team.

So, I did I kept pushing it away. I kept being conflicted though about everything. When I went to the movie store I kept being conflicted about what to rent. Part of me wanted the "masculine" typical stuff and the other part wanted "chick flicks." They would fight, I would stand there fighting in my head. "No, you only want that because you were conditioned to think you like it as a man; pick the woman's film." This happened with clothes too, "you only think you should buy that because you think men need manly colours; pink the the most flamboyant thing in the shop." It won out and I did.

However, I kept being conflicted. Part of me wanted black clothes, or the blue clothes. Part of me liked that just as much as I liked pink. When I thought about my childhood I became confused because I could remember playing with boy typical toys like toy guns. Even pretending to be James Bond and such. I also recalled being into performing though as well. Yet, I was also in a Bowling League which was a sport. (Masculine typical interest)

I did not and do not fit the usual profile for someone that grew up to like men. I very much found my first attractions to be to girls. The attraction to boys dd not come until later when my puberty was all, but, over. For the majority of my adolescents I had continuous crushes and first lusts towards girls My same-sex attraction did not show up, at least consciously until I turned 18. Until I moved in with my Mom's then newly married Husband and started feeling things for my then best male friend.

I had never felt anything towards a boy up till that point. Again at least not consciously and it was then that I found out I was Bi. This is pertinent to this post because I did not at that time feel the need to change to be into men. In fact, I was so not "flaming" that when I was in BC I had a female co worker actually ask me if I wanted to Fuck during our lunch at work. She used too call me her "Cowboy." No one knew I was into dudes when I was in BC and it remained my business.

It was when I came home and had the instant with Cara that I felt an intense need to rebel against everything masculine that might have been even a little left in me. I often wonder if that was my brains way of dealing with the break up. I had to think it was fake to move on. I had to tear down the man that broke that woman's heart and build a new man. A good man, a better man. A man so unlike a man he became completely lacking that attribute which could break another girls heart. The thing being my masculine side.

So, now here I sit a man whom has made himself into such a man that the thing which my masculine side really wants a woman will never be found? Having sabotaged that part of me over time of which I blamed for my misery. The thing I hated for so long. The side of me I needed to even be in the dating pool for a woman. Having been crashed, having been destroyed, oppressed and silenced within me. Left with a question; can you get back that which you destroyed and rebuild it? Or should one even try? If one did what would be the side effects to even attempting such a thing?

Or what if that side of me is completely gone and lost to the ravages of time? Or what if it never really was? What if I always was the way I became? What if I was never all that masculine, and, Cowboy girl, and Cara just never noticed it? They just overlooked it and had no notice of it. What if in thinking about this I am trying to rebuild something that was never needing rebuilt to begin with? What if no matter how confident I get, no matter how assertive I become and no matter how "masculine" I think I might be being it will never be enough to attract the average woman?

In that case I will just be a masculine man ending up with my own man of my dreams. Which is not a bad thing at all. I love men after all. I am not a self-hating bisexual. In the end this is not about them and it is not about getting the Vag.

It is about one thing. Seeing if that man that I see in my past exists. The man that was openly into dudes, but, also was himself more of a typical man really ever exited. If so, if I can bring him back. Without sacrificing being a "Good guy," or throwing out my Sex & The City collection of DVD's. Without removing the interests that are from the other side. Simply adding to that and not removing it. That is what I am wondering and what this Journey is about.

Journey Rules of the Road #3 : Ones sexual orientation does not remove ones manhood from them.

There is a very much bullshit view that ones sexual orientation actually has anything to do with ones sense of being a man. I see this view often due to the fact that so many of the people one sees shown as being not-straight tend to fall into certain stereotypes. I am not going to say there is 0 links between orientation and other things, but, there is way too much thinking that everyone falls into this same mold.

A man is a man; whether he likes women or men or both. Just because one might be different from other men does not make them any less of a man. Your orientation will not come up in this blog at all. If you are straight fine, if you are gay fine and if you are bisexual that is wonderful. This is a blog about men being able to embrace their manhood and do it their way. It has 0, zilch and nothing to do with whom you pair bond or fuck.

I will state here; getting it out of the gate and over with that I fall into the third category above. However, that does not remove my Mancred or take away my Man Card. It does not make this blog any less of a credible blog for men to read on topics of interest within it. Allen Frantzen whom was mentioned in Rule #2 is gay, but, I did not mention it as it did not matter. I do not judge people based on their orientation nor do I even mention it unless it is relevant.

Nor does ones orientation equal being less masculine of a man either. As I said Allen is gay, but, he is a masculine fellow. He is not a macho Jock or anything, but, he does box on a regular basis at his local gym. He also writes a blog dedicated to "becoming a masculine man." I happen to read his blog; even when I do disagree with him I still respect him as a good figure within the Interwebz. Also, Jack Donavon; author of "The Way of Men" is also in a committed long term relationship with another man.

What I find most interesting about Allan Frantzen's site is that by his definition I am a fairly masculine man; using his definition. Of course I can hear him right now talking to me saying, "the only way to emasculate you would be to castrate you." He wrote a marvelous article on no man being "effete or effeminate" because that biologically requires removing a man's genitals through cutting. That no man should ever be compared to a woman, but, instead just called a weaker man for example.

In fact; I would fall right in line with a "grab your balls man." According to Allen's definition of such I would be one. Although; The Art of Manliness site does not put me outside of the "manly" definition either. Neither of these sites use the sort of Mucho Macho definition of manly. In fact the majority of self-accepting and not "victim-complexioned" gays and bis would fall into manly on these sites.

On a side note according to a few different sources on YouTube I hit a number of check marks on the Alpha Male category too. Something I personally did not see coming at all. Mind you I noticed a bit of that "fake it till" sort of vibe coming from some of these folks and there might be a slight lack of authenticity going on for some of them. The point is though that men are men irregardless of orientation.
 

Journey Rules of The Road #2 : Your manhood is not commanded by others

A lot of people think that to be a man means to need to conform to what others want from you. Usually to what women want being the biggest thing. However, some also try to make themselves as carbon copies of other men as well. They think that all you need to do is be what others want and that makes you more manly or something. Whether it is trying to give women what they want or trying to please male peers.

I would counter that this is not the origin of an authentic expression of a persons manhood. It is not authentic to just do whatever someone else wants. It is not authentic to try and "fake it" hoping you will one day "make it" into the perfect man all the women want and the other men envy. It is faking reality and is downright vile. It is lying to everyone around you and putting on an act. No, real and authentic manhood is what needs to be shown.

Your manhood cannot be some memorized routine or pattern of tactics. That is putting on a show and often a very bad one. No, your manhood shines when you express yourself your own way. When you are the man you are and not the man others would want you to be. To live for your own sake and not for that of women or other men.

For example; if you love Pink and you are male admit it. Do not hide it to try and be more "manlier." If you love going to half decently made Rom-Coms admit it. If your voice is not the deepest in the world do not try to force it to be deeper. Just speak and see what happens. In other words; just be yourself. It does no good to try and fake a reality that does not exist. The other people around you will tell you are putting on an act.

You are in charge of your manhood and not those around you. Whether that is women or other men matters not. You are in charge of defining your manhood and not these external sources. Never let other people in charge of what Allen Frantzen calls "your manworld." Or as Rollo Tomassi says about putting women in charge of your world and your manhood.

"Regardless, whatever your reasons, women should only ever be a complement to a man’s life, never the focus of it. When you start living for a woman you become that woman."

Whatever you do on the manhood journey do not make it about women or other men. This is about at its core accepting yourself, embracing it and bringing out the best attributes you can with the deck you have been given. It is never about faking whom you are to please others or build up Mancred.

Some people will not be pleased no matter how great of a fellow you are. Some will not admit that perfection is bullshit and we are all only humans. Only naked upright talking Apes with Free Will. Demanding a man be something only found in Romance Novels and not real life. Demanding that man be moist robots and not just people.


Rule #2 : Just be the best you there can be and that is being the best man you can be! That is embracing and authentically expressing your manhood. 

Journey Rules of the road #1: You are not defined by your utility to others.

This is a journey and along all journeys one encounters rules of the road. So, it is best to present those rules first off and then begin the journey. Rule #1 of going on your journey of being a man in this world is to understand you are not a utility. You are not a tool for use by others and you are not a walking wallet.

You do not have any sort of "obligation" to others to be their walking ATM machine. Nor do you have an "obligation" to others to be a walking Dildo for others of either sex. You are as a man a human being and not a utility. Not an appliance to be used to placate peoples every desire just because they have them.

You need to begin every single day getting up and asking "am I living for my own personal pursuit of my values in life?" "Or am I living for others and not because they mean so much to me, but, because I feel obliged to this person out of thin air?" "Do you feel the need to have someone else around not because of how you connect with them, but, because you feel not worthy just being with you?"

If you are living your life for others just because you are not following the rules of the road. It is one thing to be connected with someone and be living with them. It is another to be living for a blanket "others" and making yourself into a sacrificial animal like an animal at a slaughter house. If you want to be a man in this world and not go insane you need to work on separating benevolence from a blanket psychopathic "altruism" towards a blanket "all."

I have felt the least happy in my life when I have ever put some blanket "them" before "me." You need to always be keeping a part of your minds eye on "I." On what is going on and is it making you be able to pursue your passions and life giving pursuits. Your own pursuit and obtaining of your happiness in life always is a primary. Not just you though, but, all individuals irregardless of sex.

This means part of a Journey of Manhood includes coming to terms with the idea that just like you do not and should not impede obtaining your own happiness you should not block that pursuit in others either. Whether that other is another man or a woman it matters not. Others are not to need to sacrifice to you giving up their higher values to please you.

If someone loves you or cares and is doing something for your benefit that is not a sacrifice. They are doing it because they are loving you and taking care. That is not anymore sacrificial than a parent helping to feed their children. It is a sacrifice if they are doing something because they feel like they are being forced into a corner and "being told by society" or by actual coercion into doing something for you.

It is also a sacrifice if you feel your person-hood does not come from being a person, but, from what you do for others. This is incorrect; all men are persons as much as women are. Men are persons and men are human not utilities that need to "do for" to be human. To be treated with benevolence and to be seen as whole just for being.

This does not mean some hippy dippy love all and let us all group hug. It does mean, however, no one gets to tell a man he is not one because they are not doing for women. Men are men even on an uncharted island without a single woman on it. Which means that men have their manhood even if no women are around and it is just a bunch of dudes.

In addition it means that men are part of an overall benevolent sense of life and world view. It means that men can be free to be men; even if that does not always fit what women would deem a man. It does not come down to what women want or desire what it means to be a man. It is what a man is that defines a man and not what women want, think or feel on the matter. Men are not utilities for women or some other societal grouping. Men are human.

Rule#1 you are human and not scum. You are a human and not a walking utility.