Working on introspection and finding my most authentic man

I have been working on my introspection lately and trying to find the most authentic, real man within me. I have been thinking about how much of my past expressions have been the real me or the man I made myself to be based on what I thought I needed to be. I recall not being as overly out there at different times in my life. I also have had times of being really out there.

I also used too be in a folk band at one time. When I listen to my old recordings I do not hear anything at all feminine in my voice as I sing. In fact; I had quite a Country twangy and gravely voice at times. When I sing now that same tune my voice equally sounds as non-womanly as ever. Although the gravel is gone and the twang is highly muted in comparison.

It is not feminine though at all; I can emulate quite well the original singing voice I had in the song. I also can listen to my voice on recordings and not hear a girl. I hear a fellow; in fact if I project from my mask and push the voice away from my nose the nasally tone goes away more or less. My voice is still not deep, but, I am not over the top Queenie sounding either.

I do not sound "feminine" to me when I speak. I am not sure why girls find me so non-masculine really. However, I also find myself perplexed about myself. Finding myself not really all that "feminine" at all most of the time. I have had some interests that might be non-conforming, but, I do not hear "Queer" or "abnormal." I simply hear me and I am a 29yr old man.

I recall when I came out as Gay back in 2008 following Cara leaving me. I went on barrage of reinforcing myself as a new me. With books about coming out to oneself. I also did positive affirmations in the books about stuff. I also went on a personal journey at that time as well. At first when I came out I cared not about if I fit the stereotypes of being gay or not. I still listened to Folk and Country music and over-remixed stuff drove me insane.

I did not care that I was not following the crowd; even though I was in the Pride Parades and went to ARC events. I did not care that I supported Ron Paul for example, but, all the other Gays I knew were supporting Hilary Clinton (UGH). I also did not care if when I sat down or walked down the street or opened my mouth you knew I liked men or not. It was irrelevant whether I set off Gaydar or not.

I continued to play Folk Music with my friend Mike S. and play videos games with him. I continued to watch my Actions movies and my documentaries. I never went near a Barbie Animated Film; although I would watch them all eventually. I did like my Pink ties, but, I thought nothing of it. I still loved my dancing, but, thought nothing of it. I did wear the Rainbow, but, I did not go out into the world thinking "see I like dudes see me or else."

However, as time went by this started to change. As I got told things like enjoying Country Music I should "have my Gay Card be taken away." Or that by not enjoying all the music played at the Dances I should just go elsewhere, but, ARC dances were the only places to meet gays. Or being told things like "are you sure you are even Homo?" To this or that. Or the "I could not even tell you were gay if you did not tell me."

This was clashed with what my co workers was telling me "You are not just gay you are a flaming gay Chris." Which was counter to what other gays were telling me. In the meantime I started to be more engaged in Gay Culture. I got more involved with putting on the local Dances and such. I was starting to slowly change. I was starting to slowly become more and more fitting into the stereotypes of gayness.

It started with getting rid of my Folk and Country Music. I threw it all out in the trash cursing it for brainwashing me into thinking I could be with Cara so many years ago. Cursing hetero-normative culture and society for conditioning me into think I loved her and breaking her heart. It was everything external that caused me to be into anything Androgynous or the least bit small Island man typical. I had convinced myself I never loved her. I had convinced myself society and culture conditioned me into our relationship.

After all a Gay man could never genuinely be attracted to Country Music, or more masculine typical pursuits. I must have been conditioned to like the things I liked. Or so I convinced myself and I started ever more and more to try and remove from my life anything masculine. Masculinity became my enemy it was gross, it was horrid and it was toxic. I damned being conditioned to be masculine for everything evil in my life.

Even if it was just an interest here, or there it was still too much. Anything linked with something men would be into had to go. I wanted to be like my "Girlfriends" instead and I began to mirror things about them. Intentionally siting the way they sat for example. As opposed to the men next to us. I began to worry when my voice was not high enough and began to go obsessed with always hearing the "gay" in my voice.

I recall one of my girlfriends was worried for me when I revealed to them I did not think my voice was "gay enough." That I was not "gay acting" enough. I had just been at her Birthday Party and she answered my question about my voice that it was actually "straightish sounding." I was appalled that I did not sound "gay" and I was passing for hetero in my voice. She said she was worried about me and that "you do not need to be gay acting you need to act like yourself hun!" She continued, "I do not like these words gay or straight 'acting'!!"

At the same time I was growing disgusted with myself that a self-identified Gay man found "straight" adult material to be so enjoyable. Me, ugh, liking that, ugh, vag.. Gross. Must be more of that hetero-normative brainwashing/conditioning I told myself at the time. It was not possible for me to like what was happening in those scenes. Despite my bodies reactions. So, I tried to force myself to always watch gay material, but, it never did it for me like the straight stuff. It disgusted me, but, I went with it.

By this time I had really started embodying the "gay equals feminine" way of thinking. I had the mindset of basically being as flaming always as I could possibly be. However, something was brewing underneath the outer look of the Proud gay male. Conflicts with myself were happening I would never talk of. Inner conflicts of identity and whom I was. Chaos was inside the calm and cool person I looked like to everyone else.

Inside of me was a conflict. Part of me wanted out, part of me wanted to be seen and part of me was wanting to scream, "it was not social conditioning let me out." I would begin to do odd things like kissing a female friend of the fellow I was on a date with. On Halloween she was dressed as a red devil. Somehow we ended up against the fence out back in the smoking area of Yogi's Bar. She would the next day send me a detailed message explaining how horny it made her to know she could turn me on. I said that was nice, but, deep inside I was screaming "turned on? I could hardly walk away."

It was a continuing chaos inside of me. Not only about the attractions, but, also with my interests. I would go back and forth between finding the Dance Club music nice and atrocious. I still kept being interested in non-gay typical politics of freedom, but, I would keep my mouth shut about it. I went back and forth between thinking Rom Coms were entertaining and thinking they were boring trash. I went back and forth between loving musicals, but, also criticizing them for being so unrealistic.

There was like a War in my brain between two sides. Both wanting their own voice heard, and both wanting to be able to be accessed for making choices. The side of me that used to love Country and Folk, and grew up on Action Flicks with my Dad. The other side; Abba loving and watching reruns of Sex and the City late at night on Cosmo TV on my nights off of work. They were fighting for my identity. The side that I was I did not know, but, I pushed it away. Pushed it all away deep down into my psyche. After all I needed to pick my team.

So, I did I kept pushing it away. I kept being conflicted though about everything. When I went to the movie store I kept being conflicted about what to rent. Part of me wanted the "masculine" typical stuff and the other part wanted "chick flicks." They would fight, I would stand there fighting in my head. "No, you only want that because you were conditioned to think you like it as a man; pick the woman's film." This happened with clothes too, "you only think you should buy that because you think men need manly colours; pink the the most flamboyant thing in the shop." It won out and I did.

However, I kept being conflicted. Part of me wanted black clothes, or the blue clothes. Part of me liked that just as much as I liked pink. When I thought about my childhood I became confused because I could remember playing with boy typical toys like toy guns. Even pretending to be James Bond and such. I also recalled being into performing though as well. Yet, I was also in a Bowling League which was a sport. (Masculine typical interest)

I did not and do not fit the usual profile for someone that grew up to like men. I very much found my first attractions to be to girls. The attraction to boys dd not come until later when my puberty was all, but, over. For the majority of my adolescents I had continuous crushes and first lusts towards girls My same-sex attraction did not show up, at least consciously until I turned 18. Until I moved in with my Mom's then newly married Husband and started feeling things for my then best male friend.

I had never felt anything towards a boy up till that point. Again at least not consciously and it was then that I found out I was Bi. This is pertinent to this post because I did not at that time feel the need to change to be into men. In fact, I was so not "flaming" that when I was in BC I had a female co worker actually ask me if I wanted to Fuck during our lunch at work. She used too call me her "Cowboy." No one knew I was into dudes when I was in BC and it remained my business.

It was when I came home and had the instant with Cara that I felt an intense need to rebel against everything masculine that might have been even a little left in me. I often wonder if that was my brains way of dealing with the break up. I had to think it was fake to move on. I had to tear down the man that broke that woman's heart and build a new man. A good man, a better man. A man so unlike a man he became completely lacking that attribute which could break another girls heart. The thing being my masculine side.

So, now here I sit a man whom has made himself into such a man that the thing which my masculine side really wants a woman will never be found? Having sabotaged that part of me over time of which I blamed for my misery. The thing I hated for so long. The side of me I needed to even be in the dating pool for a woman. Having been crashed, having been destroyed, oppressed and silenced within me. Left with a question; can you get back that which you destroyed and rebuild it? Or should one even try? If one did what would be the side effects to even attempting such a thing?

Or what if that side of me is completely gone and lost to the ravages of time? Or what if it never really was? What if I always was the way I became? What if I was never all that masculine, and, Cowboy girl, and Cara just never noticed it? They just overlooked it and had no notice of it. What if in thinking about this I am trying to rebuild something that was never needing rebuilt to begin with? What if no matter how confident I get, no matter how assertive I become and no matter how "masculine" I think I might be being it will never be enough to attract the average woman?

In that case I will just be a masculine man ending up with my own man of my dreams. Which is not a bad thing at all. I love men after all. I am not a self-hating bisexual. In the end this is not about them and it is not about getting the Vag.

It is about one thing. Seeing if that man that I see in my past exists. The man that was openly into dudes, but, also was himself more of a typical man really ever exited. If so, if I can bring him back. Without sacrificing being a "Good guy," or throwing out my Sex & The City collection of DVD's. Without removing the interests that are from the other side. Simply adding to that and not removing it. That is what I am wondering and what this Journey is about.