What Kind of Bisexual are you? Am I? Where I land on a Kinsey Scale of sexuality.

For those whom do not know what a Kinsey Scale is I would advise you to visit this wonderful introduction and explanation of how one works. The Kinsey Scale is a way for someone to point to where they are in their sexual identity and orientation. It is well known for being something that many bisexuals use to show and explain where they fall into that big umbrella of possibilities. I figured that since I run this blog a little about me would be interesting for my readers.

What kind of bisexual am I? This is not an offensive question at all to me. I am not a special snowflake. I am bi and I am not a "whoa is me" type. It is a great question and if anyone has been looking at the posts on my blog they can see a pattern for sure. In fact, the pattern is so very in your face that some would say, "duh, of course it was right in my face!"

I have not really talked much about other men on this blog and some will wonder if this is due to my self-identity; my place on the continuum. I mean this blog if I had not been out you would think was ran by a red blooded heterosexual male. After all I have had more than one article on the State of womanhood these days. As well as articles talking about being a man of value to a woman whom can see. As well as writing about men needing to have self-love and confidence.

Yet, I am very much open on here about being bisexual and I am not about to be put into any closet. I am also not going to be put into some "gay closet" either. I am not gay I am bi and there is one hell of a difference. My strongest and most vivid sexual fantasies are with women and I am not ashamed to admit this. My Porn watching habits have been always predominantly straight and lesbian. Even when I identified as "gay" I watched only straight porno. Yes, I have watched gay porn, but, it does not do much for me at all.

At the same time I have dated and made love to numerous men; would again with the right person as well. I have been madly in love with other men and also madly in lust. I have desired to be in many men's nice shapely back-door. However, I do fantasize more about women than other men. I also am not someone whom never fantasizes about men. It is just I am more likely to think about women on a more regular basis. I am also far more likely to see me walking hand in hand with a woman in my fantasies.

All of this should come as no surprise to anyone that has been reading my site. After all if I was thinking about men all the time in an emotional and sexual way one would see many more posts about that on the site. This does not mean I do not see men and say wow! I do absolutely after all that is what makes me Bi after all. Yet, as I said earlier I fantasize more about women and also would love to find my own companion.

So, how about which my body reacts more to? Whom gets my rocks off the most? Well, define that for me please. If you mean whom I have climaxed with more than the answer lies with women yet again. In terms of penetrative sex there was a long string of men I penetrated without having a single orgasm. While I have never slept with a woman when I did not make them orgasm and I as well. So, in this regard women also win out as well.

How about emotions? Well, I have loved and lost people of both of the genders. My earliest feelings were for members of the opposite sex while my first feelings for a man was when I was 18. The same thing can be said for my sexual desires. I never recall feeling any sexual desires till I turned that same age. Why things changed I do not know and nor do I care really. I am proud of whom I am as a person.

Which brings me to the conclusion and actual answer to the question a hand. Where on this scale do I put myself? Well, based on my own experience at being whom I am I would put myself at a 2.5ish on the Kinsey Scale. I am not in the closet and I am not self-hating. Nor am I "gay" in any sense of the word. I am a very much opposite sex leaning bisexual man.

This does not make me any less Bi at all. Having any sort of capacity for emotional and/or sexual desire for both genders is the definition of being Bi. What kind of bisexual am I? I am a Christopher Murphy bisexual. I am me and I am free!

     

Learning to keep calm and learn to just love living again.

Tonight I got a great surprise when it came to that QA I wrote about last night. I found a new QA evaluation in my email at work only see a great sight. I had gotten a 97% on my QA score which more than makes up for the two 0 QAs I had gotten before. It also shows me I can relax I got this.

That is right I got this! I can be calm, be cool and be confident in my work skills. I was going through a temporary rough patch. Much like I was in life in general, but, I will be fine in the end.
I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and air in my lungs. I only have one life to live and I need to be enjoying it again. I need to learn to go with the flow again. I need to just love living while I am doing so.

This does not mean I stop being rational and be an unreasoning emotivist type either. There is a difference between going with the flow and not thinking. I do need to think about what is in my best self-interest and act on that. This is itself going with the flow and having the self-pride/confidence that I can take the shit life will fling at me. I can take life by the horns and I can be up to the test. I have the skills and the knowledge. I have the ability to do so much and although we all have limits I need to realize one can always bounce back. I am never fully knocked down and I can always get back up.

I have the ability to bounce back because I am not some special snowflake. I can take life as it comes and work through it. Robadope the world as it comes and push on through it. I am Christopher Matthew Murphy and I can do this! I just need to keep believing in myself. I am worthy and I am enough! I can do this I can live life and enjoy it. I can calm down, rationality is calm, cool, relaxed and it goes right along side my newly energized confidence. The world is not out to get me! I can do this!

Learning to be more grateful about the good stuff in my life.

I am awesome even when I make mistakes

Tonight at work I was met with a horrid sight of two failed QAs something which I do not like seeing at all. I really took it bad in the back of my head, but, I had to go moving on from call to call. I could not take it really and it hurt me. That I could fuck up not once, but, twice and began my month on a low note.

I wanted to just go and shout at myself about being so stupid as to not be able to pass my QAs when I am so good at my job. I wanted to slap myself silly for a while for failing. Being a failure at my job and not doing my best. I need to be able to get high QA and also go fast with my calls. I need to balance the empathy and efficiency.

I must have had a night of being not focused enough. I must have messed up somehow to be such a failure. Why did I screw up twice? I am a good agent at work. Why did this happen? Why did I fuck up because I did. I need to be making my Stats I really do. I need to be keeping those high QAs, those high 80's and 90's. I am not saying I will stay a failure I do not think I will I have more self-respect than that. However, it was a failure and I cannot evade reality that I had failed temporarily. It was not permanent and I will be better, but, I did fail. Failure is a signal to see what you did wrong and move on.

I need to moved on and do my best to make up for my temporary failure to be as focused as I could have been on these two calls. I need to be better than that and I cannot let my personal rage at non work related stuff affect how I am handling calls. That night if it was what I think it was was not a good night. I got influenced in my attitude on thinking about some stuff from my past that I brought up due the next day being Pride.

I brought up my bullying by the so-called lovely Gs in the GBLT and it made me rage inside. It was a conversation with a co worker about what I had gone through. Due to this I was rude with the member when I should not have been. I kept thinking of the jerks, the bullies in Pride in the back of my head.

I can maneuver around this though and bounce back because I am at my core awesome at my job. I know this and I need to keep believing it is the case. I can do this and I can bounce back onto my feet. The next QA will be better as I was not rude at all tonight. I was nice, polite, confident and quick with my calls tonight. Which is a good thing it means I used my failure and acknowledging it not to slap myself silly, but, to make me charge ahead. Like a call centre warrior fighting on and winning the war after losing a battle. I thrived, strive, and struggled with my automatic reaction to win my goal.

I will win this war against that ghost called failure. I know I can for I have in the past and I will again in the future. I will be the winner and I will once again feel that King in my Kingdom feeling. I can do this and I can win at life as I know I am good at my job. I will kill at this job once more this is only a minor set back. I will not be getting down on myself about work. I can do and will do better than I did in the last two QAs. I need to remember I am an awesome person and an amazing man. I am an amazing and hard worker I will do better. I know I will and I know I can.
 

    

Masculinity rocks!

Rediscoveing How Much of a Real Man I am at the most unexpected place.

This weekend was the ending of the PEI Pride week for this year and as normal I skipped out on most of it. However, I did end up watching the Pride Parade downtown with my Cousin. As well I did go to the end event last night. Which was a Masquerade Prom at the Red Shores Casino.

I had gotten all dressed up in my dark purple dress shirt and matching necktie. I matched the tie and shirt with a pair of blue jeans. For my footwear I wore black sneakers. I walked there and it took about 10 or 15 minutes to get there. I also made sure to put on my Old Spice before I start my walk. As well as having a bottle of water before I left.

I walked down the road and passed the Tim's on Belvedere Avenue.Then I continued to walk to the Red Shores Casino. Wherein I walked through the doors and found the music coming from a specific area of the Casino. Specifically coming from the Eastlink Centre and I followed the music. To which I found a table to take my money and got a marker writing a big black P on the top of my hand. The music was blaring and I continued to walk towards the huge Pride flags everywhere.

The first thing I did was head to the bar for a bottle of water to drink. I stood calm, cool and confident waiting inline. My posture was strong, tall and in charge. My body language was I got this and relaxed. I took the bottle of water and gave the bar lady my money. Turning away I walked towards the dance floor where the music was blaring from. In front of me was the Rainbow colours and amazing work of masculine art. The DJ dancing around with no shirt on, but, a black bow tie with a grey vest.

Next to the DJ was a very stunning woman whom also caught my eye. I was getting twice the eye candy and listened to her as she pronounced herself the Queen of the Pride Prom. She kept talking about how it was the night for "us." However, in my experience "us" was not me, but, the other letters the G and L. I still took it in stride and had already started to dance around on the floor. I was one of the only people on the dance floor and I owned the dance floor it was mine. I was the King time to bask in my glory of being back home in my kingdom under the Rainbow lights.

It had been years since I had been to a GBLT dance or other event of any kind. As I looked around from the different sides of my eyes I noticed I did not know anyone that was attending the event other than myself. However, there I was one of the only people actually dancing. Spending the time dancing and eyeing the DJ as he was dancing himself. All of a sudden several people saw me dancing on the floor and they walked over and started dancing too. I continued to do my dancing with my water bottle in one hand.

The dancing and eyeing Mr. Bow Tie continued with more people joining the dance party on the floor under the lights. My dancing was strong, high testosterone and highly using my upper body moving to the beat. All of a sudden I was joined by a very sexy young woman in her early 20's by the look of it. I am not sure if she was a lesbian, another bisexual or a straight supporter of Pride as I never got to ask her. She danced around me and give me a big smile. She wore a long golden shimmering dress and had a purse with the same hue to it. All of a sudden a very obviously gay friend of hers jumped over and started dancing with her.

She started dancing with her friend instead and then bumped into me. Rubbing up against me her back across the front of me. I said "oh, sorry." thinking I accidentally ran into her. She just smiled at me again, even larger than before. She came in real close to me again... real close. She ended up dancing not with me persay, but, staying close to me. She did not speak to me, she never opened her mouth and just smiled a few times. Then went away continuing to dance with her friend; whom I also was never introduced to.

Upon thinking of this moment I am still not sure if it was accidental or if maybe she could tell that I was not like her friend. Maybe she could tell I was looking her over and understood what that meant about me VS her off limits friend. I am still taking it as accidental, but, the what if is definitely there. I ended up dancing more and looking at the DJ dancing around the turntable. I went off to get more water. Taking strong strides and swaggering on over to the bar. I went up to the bar and asked for my water. Standing tall, strong, straight (as in upright) and smiling without showing my teeth.

I handed the bar tender my money in exchange for the water. Flashing a quick smile to her and taking my water. She looked at me and as if almost stunned by something asked "how much did you just give me?" As if she was distracted from what she was doing by something. I told her I gave her a $20 bill and she handed me back my change. I smiled again and walked away. The rest of the night went amazingly well.

I did dance around some fellows and also some other ladies as well. One woman I danced with told me not to move and "you can REALLY REALLY dance!" She went off and started talking to someone and when I got back from the washroom she was gone. The dancing was only interrupted by breaks to the washroom and get more water. Overall the night went great. I was even treated to two hot young ladies making out right in front of me as I danced around them. I could swear they had Bisexual Pride coloured feathers in their hair, but, maybe I was seeing things.

I decided to leave at 1:40AM and did not stay till the end of the Prom at 2AM. I walked home telling my Cousin via my texting on my phone of how wonderful the night was. I loved my night, but, not because it was Pride. It was due to actually getting out of the apartment and having a wonderful time. I was not overthinking anything I was just being myself and feeling it. I was just enjoying and going with the flow. Not only that, but, all night I felt like all man! So, masculine and powerful! Such a man! It was if my testosterone was spiked high as all get out and I felt great. No stress and super happy.

I wondered if that is why so many women were drawn to me all night. Even if they were not into me sexually as it was a Pride event. The women loved my energy and my vibe. My man in motion, my confident and in charge Alpha if you will attitude. Even my dancing it was not some "Britney Background dancer" thing. I danced in a different way than the DJ. I danced in a more stronger way and used my upper body strength a lot. One could say I danced in a more masculine manor than the more feminine gay (I am assuming he is gay) DJ. I was such a manly man last night at the Pride dance.

I loved every minute of it and I loved the energy flowing through me all night. I loved the vibes I had going on. The I got this, it is my world to conquer feeling. The I am in charge and large (in a good way) feeling. I trusted whatever I would do last night was right for I believed in myself from the moment I would mossy on into the Prom. I was the King of my own Prom and I spent the night in that attitude. I was grateful for being Christopher Murphy and owned it. I was the perfect man at the Prom the perfect me. I was me I was free and did not give two fucks about anyone else and their view of me.

I want to tap into that feeling all the time. That go with the flow and I am a perfect man just as I am. I am all man I am the King of my own Kingdom feeling. What one would think would be the most opposite place as to where I would get in touch with my Masculine Heart and show it was where it showed. At of all places PEI Pride Prom 2016 I walked into the dance and out with a renewed love of myself and love of life. A renewed relaxed and calm feeling. A renewed manhood and saw all the man I am. Not man I could be for I will never "become a Man..." I AM A MAN! ALL MAN!